Academy Apologizes for Leaving Ed Begley, Jr. Out of Tribute

Critics and fans alike expressed outrage over the blatant omission of Ed Begley, Jr., from the Academy Awards tribute to actors who died in the past year.

Begley’s family said they were beyond tears. “How could they include Michael Jackson and not my little Ed?!” said Mrs. Begley, “He was in so many more high quality movies, like, um, that one with the guy who did stuff.” Academy Awards officials defended their decision, based on the fact that Ed Begley, Jr., is actually alive. Read more...

The Headline Riff

The Endive reacts to headlines found on other news sites...

3/10/10
Headline: Pennsylvania's 'Jihad Jane'
Riff: Meet Akbar Jetson! Jane, his wife!

Headline: Green homes hit red light
Riff: There's no denying that Styrofoam and asbestos wrapped in seal pelts makes the best insulation.

Headline: What's a Kinkajou?
Riff: A Jew with some really strange bedroom habits?

Headline: Undiscovered Google: 7 Services You Need to Try
Riff: Google Scope is a great way to check out your own colon.

Headline: Romania's Fix to Alcohol Accidents? Drunk X-ing Signs
Riff: North Korea should try some Asshole X-ing signs.

Headline: CDC: 1-in-6 Americans Between 14-49 Has Herpes
Riff: More proof that cougars at the way to go, baby!

Headline: Toyota luring buyers back with incentives
Riff: Yep. At Toyota it's pedal-to-the-medal with NON-STOP great deals!

Headline: Rodriguez to talk with feds about drug probe
Riff: Rodriguez: Hi, feds! How goes that drug probe?

Headline: Video: Groping was not sexual, Massa says
Riff: Do we need video of this? Ew.

3/9/10
Headline: Chile quake moves city over 10 feet
Riff: Neighbor is really pissed and would like Chile to get off his lawn.

Headline: Is your cell phone safe?
Riff: Brought to you by a panel of people who like to worry the crap out of us.

Headline: Internet in bed? Most say OK
Riff: At least until they notice the web cam.

Headline: Reid Welcomes Third-Party Senate Contenders
Riff: He starts to look electable next to the Disco Party candidate.

Headline: Hoyer Denies Massa Pushed Out Over Health Vote
Riff: He was pushed out over his secretary.

Headline: More Obama Wordplay on Health Care
Riff: Obama: Mix up the letters and it spells 'Halt Cheer.'

Headline: Well-Preserved Ancient Shipwrecks Found in Baltic
Riff: So that's where the Carter administration is!

Headline: 3 arrested in theft of Cyprus ex-leader’s body
Riff: They are charged with Grand Theft Papadopoulos.

Headline: Video: Rhinos  — A flight for survival
Riff: The story of Arlen Spector.

More Headline Riffs...

White House Reveals Butt-Floss Easter Egg Design

The Obama administration is gearing up for the annual White House Easter Egg roll with what promises to be the most unique Presidential Easter Egg design ever – the “Butt Floss” egg.

Each egg will be painted with a depiction of the popular undergarment digging into its virtual crack. Some will even feature “Tramp Stamp” tattoos just above the panties. Read more...

Topeka Obliterated in Toyota-Pinto Accident

The city of Topeka, Kansas was obliterated Wednesday following a dramatic accident involving a Toyota and a Ford Pinto.

“It was horrifying,” said eyewitness and survivor Sharon Horne, “A white Camry suddenly sped up and rear-ended a green Pinto, sending it crashing into the side of a 1984 Chevy pickup. The last thing I remember seeing after that was a wall of flames, and then the concussive force of the explosion knocked me out.”  Read more...

Democrats Don Gumby Suits

The Senate was a sea of green today as Senate Democrats donned Gumby suits in preparation to make use of a Senate tactic known as “Reconciliation” in order to pass a revised health care bill.

Health care reform was nearly squashed with the surprise election of Scott Brown to fill the Senate seat left vacant by the late Ted Kennedy. The election ended the Democrats’ filibuster-proof majority, leaving reconciliation as the only option to pass President Obama’s revised health care bill. Read more...

Controversial Obama Nipple Sculpture Back on Display

A statue of Barack Obama with a sculpted bare chest featuring two nipples with built-in water fountains was placed late Sunday night at the Jakarta, Indonesia, elementary school the President once attended.

The statue had been removed a week earlier due to public backlash. A crowd of 500 people turned out for the low-key event, where the statue was unveiled by Jakarta’s mayor, who even took a second to sip the crisp, refreshing spring water that poured forth from the sculpted, pert nipples.  Read more...

Issue with Panties Forces Bayh into Retirement

Senator Evan Bayh, D-Indiana, announced today that he will not seek re-election due to an ongoing issue with his panties.

“First of all, I want to thank my wife and kids,” said Bayh in his announcement today, “They’ve been so supportive, even in this tough time. As much as I love being a public servant, I cannot continue to do so given the current condition of my panties. They’re in a bind.” Read more...