Greene: I Like to Color

Alvin Greene, the surprise Democratic Senate candidate from South Carolina, declared his love for crayons in a rare press conference today as he spoke to reporters gathered in his basement.

“I like to color,” said Greene, “With Crayons.” Read more...

The Headline Riff

The Endive reacts to headlines found on other news sites...

7/29/10
Headline: Obama at Urban League
Riff: Next week, he'll be at the Turban League.

Headline: Woman declared dead seen in Vegas?
Riff: Don't tell me her name is Elvis.

Headline: Chicago School Refuses to Host Karl Rove
Riff: Chicago school mysteriously disappears.

Headline: Mother Nature Helps Cool Calif. Wildfire
Riff: I hope so. She started it.

Headline: Are Some Soaps Damaging Sex Organs?
Riff: No pain, no ocean-fresh gain.

Headline: Obama Skips Out on Scouts for 'The View'
Riff: Tomorrow, he's going to dis the Rotary Club to go on 'Maury Povich.'

Headline: Did Obama Make the Right Call?
Riff: If he didn't resign, the answer is no.

Headline: 82 Hippos, 9 Buffalo Killed in Anthrax Outbreak
Riff: That band has a SERIOUS mosh pit.

Headline: Calls for Rangel to quit could escalate if no deal
Riff: But Rangel still has seven briefcases to open!

7/28/10
Headline: Pentagon has 'main suspect' in leak
Riff: It's usually assumed to be Joe Biden.

Headline: WikiLeaks documents: What we know
Riff: It's important that we be responsible with this sensitive... aw heck, let's blab.

Headline: Iran ready for 'effective cooperation'
Riff: N. Korea: Cool! Let's make some nukes!

Headline: Spain's Catalonia bans bullfighting
Riff: How will bulls resolve disputes now?

Headline: Old bones found in FL recreation area
Riff: Old bones? in Florida? Imagine that.

Headline: Fisherman tapes gator 'feeding frenzy'
Riff: When will people learn to put the camera done and RUN FOR IT?!

Headline: Linda Hogan, 50, engaged to beau, 21
Riff: National Geographic catches rare footage of the cougar with its prey...

Headline: Critic makes living smoking marijuana
Riff: The story of Roger Ebert.

Headline: Asteroid May Hit Earth in 2182, Scientists Warn
Riff: Hopefully it'll be after May. I don't want to miss my 207th birthday.

More Headline Riffs...

Obama to Comic Con: We Will Fix the Time Continuum

In an address to a crowd of geeks, nerds, dweebs, wenches, trekkies, Ghostbusters, and the occasional pimp at Sand Diego’s Comic Con, President Obama vowed to fix the errors in the time continuum that he claims caused all the nation’s problems during his presidency.

“My fellow hopeless dorks,” said Obama, “It is obvious that the disasters that have befallen us since I took office can be attributed to evil time travelers, possibly from the Star Trek continuum or evil Quantum Leapers.” Read more...

Obama Signs Wrong Bill at Finance Photo-Op

Flanked by a guest list of top Democrats including Joe Biden, Chris Dodd, Barney Frank and Harvard Professor Elizabeth Warren, President Obama signed a bill into law that prohibits the disposal of veterinary waste in public garbage cans.

The bill, proposed by an angry Senator Harry Reid, was aimed to ensure that he won’t have to “put his hands on cat testicles while trying to fish his wife’s pearl earrings out of the garbage again.” Obama was supposed to be signing the new Finance bill into law, but a jammed copier prevented it from being ready while the photographer was available.  Read more...

Conway Twitty Miniaturized, Committee Reports

Members of an independent genetics research team reported yesterday that they successfully produced a miniature clone of deceased country singer Conway Twitty.

The goal, according to a spokesman for the Itty Bitty Twitty Committee, was to reintroduce Conway Twitty into society, but in a low-emissions, greenhouse-friendly way. The committee, consisting of a mixture of celebrities and scientists, is hoping to better society through the use of a miniature version of Conway Twitty. Read more...

NAACP Condemns Racism in NAACP

The NAACP has passed a resolution that condemns what it feels is rampant racism in the NAACP. Members passed the measure on Tuesday at the organization’s annual convention in Kansas City, Missouri, a city the group labels as a “hotbed of racism.”

In the resolution, the NAACP cited examples of the NAACP finance committee, which advocated a niggardly approach to spending. Furthermore, the “P” in NAACP stands for people, which could be construed as a euphemism for “you people,” a phrase that is offensive to ethnic groups.  Read more...

Fed Sues Arizona for Sexual Harassment

Attorney General Eric Holder announced today that the Federal Government will file yet another lawsuit against the State of Arizona, this time for sexual harassment.

“We have no doubt that this was the intent of Arizona’s immigration policy,” said Holder, “They clearly want to put their hands all over any undocumented alien. Not to mention that in Mexican culture, asking for someone’s place of origin is a pick-up line.”  Read more...