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April Fools! We Still Love Abdullah the Butcher, Though.
 A year in the thankless world of politics can lead one to a lot of soul-searching. Such was the case when it came to The Endive. We had to acknowledge something that had been staring at us all along, like the elephant in the room.
Conservatives have no sense of humor. Sure, it sounds like a stereotype, but it’s true. We just don’t find humor in things. We’d rather work, earn money, be responsible, exercise, and eat breakfast cereals with actual vitamins and minerals versus tiny marshmallows.
That, of course, leaves us in a precarious position. Where do we draw OUR inspiration? Who do we look to for a creative outlet? Who is the best example of how to live your life to the fullest? The answer was so obvious, we’re wondering why we spent so much time on political satire in the first place.
It’s Abdullah the Butcher.
Yep, if you really want to find someone to look up to, forget Newt Gingrich or Mitt Romney or Sarah Palin or even Vladimir Putin. Look to the Mad man from the Sudan. That’s what we did. And we learned quite a few things in the process.
First of all, forks aren’t just cutlery. Abdullah taught us that a fork is a handy way to carve up a man’s forehead. We plan on using this a lot from now on. Plus, after you wash and disinfect the fork, it’s still an effective piece of cutlery. This comes in handy if you plan on patronizing Abdullah’s restaurant: Abdullah the Butcher’s House of Ribs and Chinese Food. Abdullah never used chopsticks to maim an opponent, so we’re sticking with forks in our Mu-Shu-pork.
Second, You don’t actually have to be from the Sudan in order to be a “Mad Man from the Sudan.” It apparently suffices just to be a guy from Canada named “Larry Shreeve.” Of course, we really don’t want to believe this, so we’re just going to fill in some blanks for you. Abdullah made up his “real name” of Larry Shreeve in order to keep himself off the no-fly list. He’s really a mad man from the Sudan with a penchant for carving up foreheads with cutlery.
Next, we feel it’s important to spend some time on man-boobs. Abdullah’s triple-T cup moobs are the greatest in both professional wrestling history and in the history of Arab-themed rib/Chinese food restaurants. For this, we salute you, Abdullah.
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