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 Academy Apologizes for Leaving Ed Begley, Jr. Out of Tribute
Critics and fans alike expressed outrage over the blatant omission of Ed Begley, Jr., from the Academy Awards tribute to actors who died in the past year.
Begley’s family said they were beyond tears. “How could they include Michael Jackson and not my little Ed?!” said Mrs. Begley, “He was in so many more high quality movies, like, um, that one with the guy who did stuff.” Academy Awards officials defended their decision, based on the fact that Ed Begley, Jr., is actually alive. Read more...
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 White House Reveals Butt-Floss Easter Egg Design
The Obama administration is gearing up for the annual White House Easter Egg roll with what promises to be the most unique Presidential Easter Egg design ever – the “Butt Floss” egg.
Each egg will be painted with a depiction of the popular undergarment digging into its virtual crack. Some will even feature “Tramp Stamp” tattoos just above the panties. Read more...
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 Topeka Obliterated in Toyota-Pinto Accident
The city of Topeka, Kansas was obliterated Wednesday following a dramatic accident involving a Toyota and a Ford Pinto.
“It was horrifying,” said eyewitness and survivor Sharon Horne, “A white Camry suddenly sped up and rear-ended a green Pinto, sending it crashing into the side of a 1984 Chevy pickup. The last thing I remember seeing after that was a wall of flames, and then the concussive force of the explosion knocked me out.” Read more...
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 Democrats Don Gumby Suits
The Senate was a sea of green today as Senate Democrats donned Gumby suits in preparation to make use of a Senate tactic known as “Reconciliation” in order to pass a revised health care bill.
Health care reform was nearly squashed with the surprise election of Scott Brown to fill the Senate seat left vacant by the late Ted Kennedy. The election ended the Democrats’ filibuster-proof majority, leaving reconciliation as the only option to pass President Obama’s revised health care bill. Read more...
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 Woods, Toyoda Earn Olympic Medals
Tiger Woods took home the silver medal for the United States, and Toyota’s Akio Toyoda earned the gold for Japan in the Men’s Downhill Apologizing event in Vancouver. Earning the bronze was Canada’s Wippy Stevens.
The Men’s Downhill Apology event is a recent addition to the Winter Olympics, testing an athlete’s ability to apologize in a grand fashion while his entire life and career go down the tubes. Read more...
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 Controversial Obama Nipple Sculpture Back on Display
A statue of Barack Obama with a sculpted bare chest featuring two nipples with built-in water fountains was placed late Sunday night at the Jakarta, Indonesia, elementary school the President once attended.
The statue had been removed a week earlier due to public backlash. A crowd of 500 people turned out for the low-key event, where the statue was unveiled by Jakarta’s mayor, who even took a second to sip the crisp, refreshing spring water that poured forth from the sculpted, pert nipples. Read more...
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 NASCAR Forum Welcomes Biffle, Trickle, Bickle
NASCAR veterans Dick Trickle, Greg Biffle and Rich Bickle came together in a rare panel discussion yesterday after Jamie McMurray’s Daytona 500 victory.
“McMurray was in quite a pickle,” said Trickle to Bickle, “Dale Earnhart, Jr., was coming up fast.” Roush Racing’s Greg Biffle agreed. “Dale Junior’s car was faster than a sniffle,” said Biffle as he stifled a giggle, “He was eatin’ away on McMurray like a dog takes a nibble on some kibble.” Read more...
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 Issue with Panties Forces Bayh into Retirement
Senator Evan Bayh, D-Indiana, announced today that he will not seek re-election due to an ongoing issue with his panties.
“First of all, I want to thank my wife and kids,” said Bayh in his announcement today, “They’ve been so supportive, even in this tough time. As much as I love being a public servant, I cannot continue to do so given the current condition of my panties. They’re in a bind.” Read more...
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 Toyota Recalls 400,000 Hondas
“We are very sorry,” said Akio Toyoda, President of Toyota Motor Corporation, “We are so, so sorry. We should have been more careful about the quality of Honda’s airbags. A thousand times, I am sorry. Please accept my apology.”
Toyota announced two measures the company will be taking in response to the recall. First, a new airbag switch will be installed in all of the Hondas in order to correct the problem. Second, all Toyota and Honda owners will receive a free fish. Read more...
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 Obese Children Launch Campaign Against Michelle Obama
America’s obese youth, fed-up by the First Lady’s one-woman campaign against youthful fatness, have launched a campaign of their own.
“We will not rest until we have rid this country of Michelle Obama,” said childhood portliness advocate Randy Revis, “Well, actually we might rest for a while after dinner, until it’s time to grab another bag of Doritos. However, between that bag of Doritos and my 10 o’clock bedtime, we will not rest. We may not stand up much, but our sitting won’t be restful!” Read more...
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 Infidel Turtles Successfully Launched into Space
Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad touted the successful removal of several infidel animals from Iran today thanks to the country’s first successful rocket launch.
“As of 9:30 this morning, two turtles, a mouse, and some worms were launched into space,” said Ahmadinejad, “We are pleased to report that when the infidel animals reached the vacuum of space they exploded. No longer will these turtles be the scourge of Iran with their exposed buttockses.” Read more...
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 Taliban to Obama: We will not Tally your Bananas
In his first press conference since returning from his secret meeting with Taliban leadership, President Obama gave details behind the difficult negotiations.
“It was long, and by long, I mean long and arduous,” said Obama, “I told Mullah Muhammad Omar that I worked all night and I drank some rum. I spent my first day and night there stacking bananas until the morning come. All I wanted was for Mr. Taliban to tally me bananas.” Read more...
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 MIcrosoft DIsables Lowercase “I”
MIcrosoft responded to the launch of the IPad today by dIsableIng the lowercase letter “I” on all WIndows-compatIble keyboards.
“We’ll see If anyone manages to order that pIece of crap from one of our computers,” saId MIcrosoft CEO Steve Ballmer, “We’re the Industry standard, dammIt. If someone wants a tablet that bad, they can buy our soon-to-be released WIndows product, the WInblet.” Read more...
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 Iran Sends $5 Gift Card to Haiti
As millions of dollars of aid pours into an earthquake-devastated Haiti, Iran elected to join in the rebuilding effort by sending a $5 gift card to Amazon.com.
“Our hearts go out to the people of Haiti,” said Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmedinejad, “We share in their sorrow and we will do everything we can to help. Now, I must go because ‘No Reservations with Anthony Bourdain’ is coming on in twenty minutes.” Read more...
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 Obama Spends Afternoon Making Shadow Puppets
President Obama marked the conclusion of his first year as President today by spending the entire afternoon in his office, making shadow puppets.
“What I have made here, well, I guess it’s a dog,” said the President to White House Chief of Staff Rahm Emanuel and White House Spokesman Robert Gibbs, both of whom sat on his couch half-asleep from extreme boredom, “I think once the doggy is done barking, well, I think it might be time for some change. Maybe a butterfly.” Read more...
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 Underpants Bomber Invited to Michelle Obama’s Birthday Party
First Lady Michelle Obama got more than she bargained for when Umar Farouk Abdulmutallab, better known as the Underpants Bomber, showed up as the guest of honor at her surprise birthday party.
“This is all, well, it’s a misunderstanding,” said President Barack Obama, who spent days arranging the party, “I really thought I had hired a male stripper. Someone misunderstood my instructions. I’m looking at you, Rahm.” Read more...
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 Googleless China Makes Urgent Plea for Help
The Chinese government made a desperate plea for help after Google ceased operations in the country, leaving them unable to find a damn thing.
Streets were crowded with people who had no clue how to reach their destinations, families lost contact with each other, pizzas went unordered, and perhaps most disturbing, more than one child per family may have been conceived. Read more...
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 Reid: Obama and I are Cool. Fo’ Shizzle.
Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid, D-NV, announced today that he had received President Obama’s forgiveness for racially insensitive comments he made during the campaign, noting that his “homeboy had let it slide, fo’ shizzle.”
“Me and Barack, we’re okay, knowhatI’msayin’,” said Reid, speaking to the news media in a pink leisure suit adorned by multiple gold chains, “I called Al Sharpton and Jesse Jackson and they said I could still be one of the brothas, and I sure am relieved, booooy.” Read more...
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 New Photo Causes Problems for Crist
Marco Rubio struck a powerful blow to the campaign of Charlie Crist today when he released a photo showing Crist “closely associating” with Barack Obama.
The photo is sure to bolster the campaign of Rubio by attempting to prove conclusively that Crist leans slightly to the left. “They say a picture is worth a thousand words,” said Rubio, “This picture is worth 787 million words. And it made me throw up in my mouth a little. It tasted like Bacon Bits.” Read more...
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 Clinton Given Coaster Lip in Angola
Hillary Clinton was honored by the Angolan government this week with the insertion of a coaster in her lip. The Secretary of State visited Angola as part of a diplomatic tour of Africa.
Clinton was said to be excited about improving relations with Angola, a top petroleum exporter. “I hafffmmy to worffmmk wifff Ahhgola,” said Clinton. Read more...
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 Bloodmobile Beats Bookmobile in Drag Race
The Bookmobile totally got its ass handed to it in an impromptu drag race yesterday according to representatives from the Red Cross Bloodmobile.
“My reaction time was at least half a second faster than the Bookmobile guy’s,” said Bloodmobile driver Henry Pitts, “His lame-assed Bookmobile was no match for the 7.5 liter turbo-diesel engine in this badass Bloodmobile. We owned that beeyotch with a capital ‘P.’” Read more...
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 Obama’s Teleprompter Commits Suicide
Investigators noticed a shocking message on the broken remains of the President's fallen teleprompter: a suicide note.
The teleprompter abruptly fell to its demise during a speech the President gave last Monday. In its final message to the world, it expressed frustration over the rigors of filling Obama's mouth with words. Read more...
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 Obama: I am Never Taking Those Kids Out for Ice Cream Again
President Barack Obama has sworn that he will never take daughters Sasha and Malia out for ice cream again after a disastrous trip to a dessert shop for frozen custard.
“Things turned sour as soon as they started to order,” said Liz Davis, owner of The Dairy Godmother frozen custard store in Alexandria, Virginia, “Malia couldn’t decide what she wanted.” Read more...
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 Obama’s New Dog: Portuguese Man O’ War
White House spokesman announced today that the Obama family has selected a dog, settling on a Portuguese Man o’ War. The Obamas will not receive the dog for several months and are still trying to come up with a name.
The Portuguese Man o’ War is not technically a dog. It’s actually a highly poisonous, menacing jellyfish often found off the coast of Florida. Read more...
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 Obama’s Gitmo Alternative: Neverland Ranch
President Barack Obama, under pressure to find a location for all of the detainees at Guantamao Bay in order to fast-track its closure, suggested housing the prison’s terrorists at Michael Jackson’s Neverland Ranch.
“Gitmo was a place where people were mistreated, tortured, and made to feel inhuman and uncomfortable,” said President Obama, “That makes Neverland a nearly perfect match.” Read more...
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 Bin Laden: Al Qaeda Forced to Rely on Inept Geese
A new video message from al Qaeda leader Osama Bin Laden says the terrorist group is desperately low on resources and has begun looking into alternative means of terror.
“The great Satan has crippled our terrorist infrastructure,” says Bin Laden according to Endive translators, “We’re short on weapons and manpower, and therefore we have turned to the only remaining terrorists who are true to our cause – inept geese.” Read more...
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 Obama Introduces America to His Nipples
During a pre-inauguration retreat to a resort in Hawaii, President-elect Barak Obama took the opportunity to introduce the American people to his nipples.
“The people wanted hope and the people wanted change,” said Obama, “and that’s why I’m keeping my promise. Ladies and gentlemen, presenting my nipples.” Read more...
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