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 Greene: I Like to Color
Alvin Greene, the surprise Democratic Senate candidate from South Carolina, declared his love for crayons in a rare press conference today as he spoke to reporters gathered in his basement.
“I like to color,” said Greene, “With Crayons.” Read more...
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 Obama to Comic Con: We Will Fix the Time Continuum
In an address to a crowd of geeks, nerds, dweebs, wenches, trekkies, Ghostbusters, and the occasional pimp at Sand Diego’s Comic Con, President Obama vowed to fix the errors in the time continuum that he claims caused all the nation’s problems during his presidency.
“My fellow hopeless dorks,” said Obama, “It is obvious that the disasters that have befallen us since I took office can be attributed to evil time travelers, possibly from the Star Trek continuum or evil Quantum Leapers.” Read more...
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 Obama Signs Wrong Bill at Finance Photo-Op
Flanked by a guest list of top Democrats including Joe Biden, Chris Dodd, Barney Frank and Harvard Professor Elizabeth Warren, President Obama signed a bill into law that prohibits the disposal of veterinary waste in public garbage cans.
The bill, proposed by an angry Senator Harry Reid, was aimed to ensure that he won’t have to “put his hands on cat testicles while trying to fish his wife’s pearl earrings out of the garbage again.” Obama was supposed to be signing the new Finance bill into law, but a jammed copier prevented it from being ready while the photographer was available. Read more...
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 Conway Twitty Miniaturized, Committee Reports
Members of an independent genetics research team reported yesterday that they successfully produced a miniature clone of deceased country singer Conway Twitty.
The goal, according to a spokesman for the Itty Bitty Twitty Committee, was to reintroduce Conway Twitty into society, but in a low-emissions, greenhouse-friendly way. The committee, consisting of a mixture of celebrities and scientists, is hoping to better society through the use of a miniature version of Conway Twitty. Read more...
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 NAACP Condemns Racism in NAACP
The NAACP has passed a resolution that condemns what it feels is rampant racism in the NAACP. Members passed the measure on Tuesday at the organization’s annual convention in Kansas City, Missouri, a city the group labels as a “hotbed of racism.”
In the resolution, the NAACP cited examples of the NAACP finance committee, which advocated a niggardly approach to spending. Furthermore, the “P” in NAACP stands for people, which could be construed as a euphemism for “you people,” a phrase that is offensive to ethnic groups. Read more...
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 Fed Sues Arizona for Sexual Harassment
Attorney General Eric Holder announced today that the Federal Government will file yet another lawsuit against the State of Arizona, this time for sexual harassment.
“We have no doubt that this was the intent of Arizona’s immigration policy,” said Holder, “They clearly want to put their hands all over any undocumented alien. Not to mention that in Mexican culture, asking for someone’s place of origin is a pick-up line.” Read more...
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 Russians to Swap Bobby Fischer’s Carcass for Spies
A spy swap agreement was finalized with Russia to day to deport 10 alleged Russian spies in trade for the recently exhumed body of Chess legend Bobby Fischer.
“The Russians have been very cooperative,” said Undersecretary of State for Political Affairs William Burns, “They wanted to get their boys out of trouble, and they particularly wanted to secure the return of Anna Chapman because she’s hot.” Read more...
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 A Whale Arrives in Gulf to Soak up Environmentalists
The world’s largest oil skimmer arrived in the Gulf of Mexico today to begin testing to see if it would be capable of soaking up the massive number of environmentalists who descended upon the spill to make projections.
Choppy seas made testing difficult according to Bob Grantham, a spokesman for Taiwanese shipping firm TMT, so the vessel may have to begin testing in other areas where an overabundance of environmentalists have wrought havoc, such as the Galapagos Islands or Seattle. Read more...
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 Disappointed CNN Shelves Cheney Obit
Frustrated members of CNN’s writing staff once again shelved an artfully written obituary for Dick Cheney after he quickly recovered from yet another minor heart problem this week. The obituary, which has been kept on various archive CDs at CNN headquarters for more than a decade, has reached legendary status among the writing staff.
“Every time he goes to the hospital, we pull it out and tweak it a little,” said CNN writer Jordan Mentz, “This article is a guaranteed Pulitzer. I just wish one of us got the chance to freaking publish it.” Read more...
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 Biden Strikes Again with Another Gaffe-Fest
Just days after Biden referred a custard shop manager as a smartass, he released a torrent of gaffes that left Jim Campbell, CEO of GE’s appliances and lighting division, a little faint. Even the opening of his speech sparked controversy.
“First of all, I’d like to honor the memory of my late friend, Senator Robert Byrd,” said Biden, “When Robert took off that KKK hood, he showed the world that a guy who looks like Emperor Palpatine can still love West Virginia enough to give it lots of pork.” Read more...
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 Busy Obama Puts Intern on the Oil Leak
President Obama was forced to come to terms with his overly-demanding schedule today and delegate several important tasks to an intern. While the President was busy firing his Afghanistan commander, he dispatched an intern, Leon Shipley, to “handle the oil crisis.”
“I’m just not done being furious at General McChrystal right now,” said Obama, “He said that our first meeting was just a photo op. Can you imagine that? Me setting up a photo op? Whatever. You’re fired, Stanley. Terminated. S**t-canned. Go see if Wal-mart needs a greeter.” Read more...
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 Obama Takes Short Break from Golf to Address Oil Crisis
President Obama took a short break from his golf game today to provide an update on the Gulf oil crisis, speaking to the media from a convenient teleprompter set up on the ninth hole.
“I’m still pissed at BP CEO Tony Hayward,” said Obama, “The bastard has the audacity to go watch a yacht race while oil continues to spew into the Gulf and destroy our fragile ecosystem. I am furious and I assure you we will take some form of as-yet-to-be-defined action.” Read more...
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 Laurie David: That Wasn’t Al Gore, it was a Parking Meter
Producer Laurie David spoke to the press today to clear up misconceptions about her alleged affair with former Vice President Al Gore.
“This is all just a big misunderstanding,” said David, “Someone got hold of a photo of me humping a parking meter. I can understand how that could have been so easily misconstrued.” Read more...
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 Obama Pulls his Groin Trying to Kick an Ass
President Obama suffered a severe groin pull today as he attempted to kick the ass of BP Chairman & CEO Tony Hayward. The President was attempted to deliver on a promise he made last week while he was “furious” with BP’s response to the crisis.
The President appeared on the White House lawn this morning with a heavily bandaged, ice-covered groin area, sitting in a wheelchair with crutches at the ready. Read more...
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 BP: Maybe We Can Clean it up With These Old Pants
Frustrated, running out of ideas, facing a deadline and already past the $75 million cap on costs relating to the big spill, BP presented its last shot at cleaning up the Gulf: Swab up the oil with a pair of old pants.
“We’ve welded caps on the well, tried covering it in domes, brought in high-tech machinery,” said BP Chief Executive Officer Tony Hayward, “We even tried machines and techniques from people like Kevin Costner and James Cameron. When that didn’t work, we threw everything at it. After dirtying up every sponge, rag, paper towel, napkin, undershirt, and white kitten in the southeastern United States, all we had left was this old pair of pants.” Read more...
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 White House Begins Slow Cleanup of Helen Thomas Contamination
The Coast Guard indicated that it could take years to clean up the damage from Helen Thomas’ decades-long career disaster as a White House correspondent, Coast Guard Adm. Thad Allen, the federal government’s response manager for the Helen Thomas disaster, said Monday.
“Just getting through the discarded mint wrappers, Cheet-o residue and caked-on lipstick is going to go on for a couple of months,” Allen said during a White House briefing, “Long-term issues of environmental restoration –namely the carpet in the press room and the breathability of the air – will be years.” Read more...
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 Gores Battle for Custody of the Internet
A bitter custody battle erupted today between the recently separated Al & Tipper Gore. The former Vice President was visibly upset when Mrs. Gore announced her plans to seek full custody of the internet.
“I just don’t feel that Al’s new bachelor pad is the best environment for the internet,” said Tipper, “I think it’s best if the internet stays with me, where I can keep a close eye on it and censor its out-of-control content.” Read more...
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 Israel Condemned for Lookin’ at Arab Like That
Israel received near universal condemnation today for lookin’ at Ali Akbar like that while troops marched by the Gaza border.
“Why you gotta look at me like that?” shouted Akbar, as Israeli troops marched by, stopping briefly to glance at nearby trees, “You got a problem with me? Hey! Stop lookin’ at me like that!” Read more...
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 Biden Goes on All-Out Gaffe Fest
Vice President Joe Biden launched into an all-out gaffe-fest today as he lost total control of his ability to filter out offensive comments. The hour-long press conference raised eyebrows, scared children, offended several nations, and really pissed off Wilfred Brimley.
It all began innocently enough, when Biden was asked to provide comments from the White House on the day’s news stories. Read more...
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 South Korea Seeks Assistance from Suge Knight
South Korean officials met with former Death Row Records owner Marion “Suge” Knight today in a desperate bid to send a stern message to North Korea.
Over the last few weeks, the south has been increasingly targeted by the north in several obvious acts of war, including the torpedoing of a South Korean naval vessel. South Korea’s cries for help have gone largely unheard from its traditional allies. Read more...
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 BP Places Giant Area Rug Over Gulf
Desperate for some level of success in its battle against the disastrous oil leak in the Gulf of Mexico, BP discreetly placed a giant area rug over top of the gulf today.
“The rug looks really nice,” said Kent Wells, BP’s senior vice president for exploration and production, “It matches the dusty browns of Texas without clashing with Florida’s unique greenery. It’s a nice area rug. I’m a little jealous. Hey, look! I think a cardinal just flew by!” Read more...
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 Airlines Hope to Penetrate Ash Through New Ash Hole
Airlines in the United Kingdom found a spark of hope in a new hole forming in the cloud of ash covering the U.K. due to the eruption of an Icelandic volcano.
“We hope that our airplanes can deeply penetrate the new ash hole,” the United Kingdom’s National Air Traffic Service said in a written statement, “If we can penetrate it once with one plane, we hope to follow it up with multiple deep penetrates from larger planes.” Read more...
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 Controversial Obama Nipple Sculpture Back on Display
A statue of Barack Obama with a sculpted bare chest featuring two nipples with built-in water fountains was placed late Sunday night at the Jakarta, Indonesia, elementary school the President once attended.
The statue had been removed a week earlier due to public backlash. A crowd of 500 people turned out for the low-key event, where the statue was unveiled by Jakarta’s mayor, who even took a second to sip the crisp, refreshing spring water that poured forth from the sculpted, pert nipples. Read more...
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 New Photo Causes Problems for Crist
Marco Rubio struck a powerful blow to the campaign of Charlie Crist today when he released a photo showing Crist “closely associating” with Barack Obama.
The photo is sure to bolster the campaign of Rubio by attempting to prove conclusively that Crist leans slightly to the left. “They say a picture is worth a thousand words,” said Rubio, “This picture is worth 787 million words. And it made me throw up in my mouth a little. It tasted like Bacon Bits.” Read more...
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 Clinton Given Coaster Lip in Angola
Hillary Clinton was honored by the Angolan government this week with the insertion of a coaster in her lip. The Secretary of State visited Angola as part of a diplomatic tour of Africa.
Clinton was said to be excited about improving relations with Angola, a top petroleum exporter. “I hafffmmy to worffmmk wifff Ahhgola,” said Clinton. Read more...
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 Bloodmobile Beats Bookmobile in Drag Race
The Bookmobile totally got its ass handed to it in an impromptu drag race yesterday according to representatives from the Red Cross Bloodmobile.
“My reaction time was at least half a second faster than the Bookmobile guy’s,” said Bloodmobile driver Henry Pitts, “His lame-assed Bookmobile was no match for the 7.5 liter turbo-diesel engine in this badass Bloodmobile. We owned that beeyotch with a capital ‘P.’” Read more...
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 Obama’s Teleprompter Commits Suicide
Investigators noticed a shocking message on the broken remains of the President's fallen teleprompter: a suicide note.
The teleprompter abruptly fell to its demise during a speech the President gave last Monday. In its final message to the world, it expressed frustration over the rigors of filling Obama's mouth with words. Read more...
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 Obama: I am Never Taking Those Kids Out for Ice Cream Again
President Barack Obama has sworn that he will never take daughters Sasha and Malia out for ice cream again after a disastrous trip to a dessert shop for frozen custard.
“Things turned sour as soon as they started to order,” said Liz Davis, owner of The Dairy Godmother frozen custard store in Alexandria, Virginia, “Malia couldn’t decide what she wanted.” Read more...
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 Obama’s New Dog: Portuguese Man O’ War
White House spokesman announced today that the Obama family has selected a dog, settling on a Portuguese Man o’ War. The Obamas will not receive the dog for several months and are still trying to come up with a name.
The Portuguese Man o’ War is not technically a dog. It’s actually a highly poisonous, menacing jellyfish often found off the coast of Florida. Read more...
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 Obama’s Gitmo Alternative: Neverland Ranch
President Barack Obama, under pressure to find a location for all of the detainees at Guantamao Bay in order to fast-track its closure, suggested housing the prison’s terrorists at Michael Jackson’s Neverland Ranch.
“Gitmo was a place where people were mistreated, tortured, and made to feel inhuman and uncomfortable,” said President Obama, “That makes Neverland a nearly perfect match.” Read more...
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 Bin Laden: Al Qaeda Forced to Rely on Inept Geese
A new video message from al Qaeda leader Osama Bin Laden says the terrorist group is desperately low on resources and has begun looking into alternative means of terror.
“The great Satan has crippled our terrorist infrastructure,” says Bin Laden according to Endive translators, “We’re short on weapons and manpower, and therefore we have turned to the only remaining terrorists who are true to our cause – inept geese.” Read more...
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 Obama Introduces America to His Nipples
During a pre-inauguration retreat to a resort in Hawaii, President-elect Barak Obama took the opportunity to introduce the American people to his nipples.
“The people wanted hope and the people wanted change,” said Obama, “and that’s why I’m keeping my promise. Ladies and gentlemen, presenting my nipples.” Read more...
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