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Congress Bans Le__er “_”
 _ea Par_ies across _he na_ion were lef_ s_ymied when Congressional Democra_s pushed legisla_ion _rough _he Sena_e las_ week banning _he le__er “_.”
“_his legisla_ion will save us millions of dollars by reducing _he size of every documen_ by up _o _hir_y percen_,” said Sena_e majori_y leader Harry Reid, “_ha_, of course, was our main reason for doing i_. Screwing up _he _ea Par_ies was jus_ a perk.”
_he Presiden_ expressed suppor_ for _he bill, which flew easily _hrough _he House of Represen_a_ives, and signed i_ in_o law las_ week.
“In a _ime when our economy is s_ruggling, we all have _o make sacrifices,” said Presiden_ Obama, “I_’s no_ a _ime for anyone _o be making a profi_ and i_’s certainly no_ _ime for was_eful people to con_inue _he ex_raneous use of _he le__er ‘_.’ As for _he _ea Par_y movemen_, all I can say is _hey are more _han welcome _o con_inue wha_ _hey’re doing, jus_ wi_hou_ _he le__er ‘_.’ _ha_’ll ge_ you arres_ed.”
Indeed, several _ea Par_ies were shu_ down on _ax Day for using _he le__er “_.”
“All I said was _ha_ _axes were _o_ally _oxic,” said _ea Par_y ac_ivis_ _om _i_leman, “I_’s _ime _ha_ we _ake _he Presiden_ _o _ask for _axing _he _oms, _onys, and _errences who work for wages and _ips. Now _hey’re going _o _ake me _o jail? _ha_ _o_ally sucks.”
_he ban has been enforced _hroughou_ _he coun_ry, even in non-_ea Par_y si_ua_ions.
_he PBS _elevision show Sesame S_ree_ was shu_ down yes_erday and _he _riangle-loving fuzzy mons_er _elly was _aken _o prison for announcing _ha_ _he show would be sponsored by _he le__er “_.”
Federal au_hori_ies indica_ed _ha_ Sesame S_ree_ would be shu_ down indefini_ely un_il i_ could be figured ou_ precisely how much _he le__er “_” paid _o sponsor _he show and how of_en the le__er “_” had sponsored i_ in _he pas_.
_alk radio has had a field day wi_h _he issue, wi_h hos_s such as Sean Hanni_y and Neal Boor_z screaming _heir displeasure on _he air.
Rush Limbaugh, on _he o_her hand, seemed unaffec_ed.
“Here a_ _he EIB Ne_work, we are above _he le__er ‘_,’” said Limbaugh, “I hope _his and fu_ure a__acks on our alphabe_ fail.”
Some businesses, such as Home Depo_, _ook _he change in s_ride, claiming i_ would no_ really affec_ _heir brand name or business prac_ices. O_hers, including Ro_o Roo_er, _erminix, and _i_leis_ are unsure how _hey will con_inue _o s_ay in business.
“We’re going _o have _o lay off 30,000 people,” said _imo_hy _ucker, CEO of _i_leis_, “We jus_ can’_ con_inue _o do business wi_hou_ _he le__er ‘_.’”
Presiden_ Obama insis_ed _he end of _he le__er “_” would become a help _o _he economy, no_ a burden.
“Removal of _he le__er ‘_’ is crea_ing new jobs,” said Obama, “I am pleased _o announce _ha_ my newly-formed ‘_-removal _ask Force’ will be hiring eigh_ people. _ha_’s eigh_ jobs we didn’_ have. Now _ha_’s progress.”
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