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TLC: Jon Gosselin Out, Roman Polanski In
 TLC announced today that it will be replacing Jon Gosselin on the popular show Jon & Kate Plus 8 with exiled director and child rapist Roman Polanski.
The new show will be called ‘Kate Plus 8 With The Addition of Roman Polanski.’
According to a spokesman from TLC, the interplay between the feuding Gosselins had become stale and needed some “freshening up.”
“Jon just didn’t have his heart in it,” said Kate Gosselin, “When I told him to get his lazy ass off of my driveway and go back home to his condo with his little whore, he just said ‘Okay’ and left. That’s just not what TLC calls good television. As usual, I’m disappointed in Jon.”
TLC also confirmed that things just weren’t exciting enough around Jon Gosselin, noting that they have 28 hours of footage of Jon and his new girlfriend Haley Glassman playing Monopoly and commenting on their friends’ Facebook statuses.
“We’re looking forward to quality television with the addition of Roman Polanski,” said a spokesman for TLC, “From what we’ve heard, he’s got a history with kids. Plus, he’s a visionary director. Maybe he’ll help us frame a scene or two.”
Polanski was equally excited about branching out into a new form of entertainment.
“When I join up with Kate and her eight, I will bring them to a world they have never experienced,” said Polanski, “I will show them the interplay between light and darkness, good and evil, virtue and sin. They will know what it is to love the camera and for the camera to love them.”
“Also, I have cookies for the kids,” added Polanski, “I know kids like cookies. If each one joins me in the garage for a few minutes, I’ll make sure they get cookies. Maybe we’ll do that scene while Kate’s out shopping for some more hairspray.”
Polanski has been on the receiving end of much support from his Hollywood colleagues.
“This is a great opportunity for such a nice man,” said Whoopi Goldberg, “Those kids really have someone to be looking up to and I hope they get to spend some quality time together. I hear he likes to play Twister. With Crisco.”
“I’m a little jealous,” said director Wes Anderson, “I could just eat Roman up. He’s cute as a button. I know what I’ll be watching on TLC this season. As long as it doesn’t conflict with that ‘Set it and Forget it’ show.”
TLC is still in the process of picking a new location for the show, having received generous offers from Libya and Nigeria.
“Um, I really was just trying to scam TLC into investing in fake mining stock,” said the Prime Minister of Nigeria, “The last thing we need here is Roman Polanski. We could catch scabies.”
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