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Oprah Announces Candidacy for Pope
 On the heels of her surprise announcement that the Oprah Winfrey Show would end in 2011, the leading talk show host and business magnate has shocked the world once again by announcing her candidacy for Pope.
“I’ve run a successful talk show, magazine, multiple businesses, and I got a President elected,” said Winfrey, “Did you really think the next step for me was political office? I already took control of that realm, honey. The only thing left for Oprah to take control of is the religious world. That’s why I’m running for Pope.”
The announcement also took the Catholic Church by surprise, as they had no intention of changing the current Pope selection process.
“We typically wait until the current Pope is dead before selecting another one,” said Cardinal Angelo Comastri of The Vatican, “Pope Benedict XVI is quite healthy right now. I’m not exactly sure how Oprah thinks she can pull this off. She just doesn’t look like Pontiff material to us.”
Oprah remained undaunted after hearing of the Vatican’s reaction.
“I’m familiar with the Pope selection process,” said Winfrey, “The Cardinals vote four times a day, and the ballots are burned, producing black smoke. When a Pope is selected, new chemicals are added so that when the ballots burn, they produce white smoke. That’s the first thing I plan on changing. How come the white smoke gets to pick the Pope? This Pope isn’t going to ascend to the papacy in a shroud of White Smoke.”
Also surprised by the announcement was Oprah’s long-time significant other, Stedman Graham.
“I’m really proud of Oprah,” said Graham, “But I don’t know what that makes me if she becomes Pope. Am I like the Popette? First Pope? Sugar Pope? And do they really make soap with his face on it? I want some Pope soap. Oprah says I have to stop talking now.”
While Vatican officials denied that any changes could be made to the ages-old Pope selection process, Oprah’s campaign team presented a different story.
“We’ve already started using Facebook, Twitter, MySpace and a massive email campaign to get things changed over at The Vatican,” said Oprah’s newly appointed campaign manager David Plouffe, “Sure, plenty of people are saying it can’t be done, but I think that when we were part of the Obama campaign we clearly proved that with the right campaign strategy, you can forced every human being in the country to shove a crayon up their nose.”
“If I win this, everybody gets absolution,” said Winfrey, “And Hondas. And a copy of my book. Vote now. It’s time for some Pope hope!”
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