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The Endive - Year in Review Part I
 This week, The Endive will be taking a look at 2009, a year which was full of uncertainty, just like a 9-piece order of Chicken McNuggets, but without the barbecue sauce.
The big difference between 2008 and 2009 was that in 2009, The Endive emerged to report the news to you in a way that makes as little sense as possible. Mission accomplished, but obviously, this is just the beginning.
The year started out with two train wrecks that we couldn’t turn our eyes away from: Barack Obama had just won an historic election and a guy was pregnant. Like a pregnant guy, Barack Obama spent the months leading up to his inauguration nesting, cleaning and looking at himself in the mirror.
While Barack Obama was getting headlines for taking his last dump in Chicago before moving to D.C., General Motors was going bankrupt and Hillary Clinton was accepting her consolation prize of Secretary of State. All of this was eclipsed, according to TMZ, by a well-placed fart from Aretha Franklin.
Next, a lot of projectiles and explosions happened. Plaxico Burress shot himself, Rod Blagojevich shot his mouth off, and President Bush was nearly beaned by a projectile shoe.
None of us were worried about the President’s health at the time, because we were too busy wondering exactly what the President-elect and Vice President-elect were going to pick out for their puppies. In what was to be a continuing trend of stomping President Bush while he was down, the Bush family cat died. It was a convenient death – the poor little feline was under investigation by congress for using excessive force while mousing.
The selection of a cold-hearted, arrogant Hillary Clinton would prove to be the least of Barack Obama’s problems as he quickly proved he had no skills when it came to appointing people to his cabinet. He tried to distract us from these problems by going on the beach and showing us his nipples. It worked.
Meanwhile, Fidel Castro is still alive and Cuba is still communist. The nice thing about communism is that when the government controls the media, you get to decide when people actually die. Fidel is booked to pass on from this world on February 27th, 2087.
A desperate Osama bin Laden sent a team of geese to attempt to down an airplane in New York, but his inept goose terrorist cell was thwarted by the newest American hero, Captain Sully! Unfortunately, Captain Sully didn’t get an Oscar for his performance – Barack Obama swept those awards.
Obama’s first month in office was marked by a quick order to close Gitmo. Gitmo isn’t closed yet, but damn, he gave the order nice and fast. Offering up Michael Jackson’s Neverland Ranch as an alternative was a good call, but a little too cruel for the terrorists.
Meanwhile, the Democrats exercised their newfound power over the Republicans by appointing Rush Limbaugh as party chairman. Michael Steele? Who’s that?
The first Stimulus bill did make it through congress and it gave a lot of money to people who had gotten loans they couldn’t afford so they could by houses and cars they hadn’t earned. That does sound harsh, but the Democrats tried to mitigate things by reviving the fairness doctrine. That way, media like The Endive wouldn’t be allowed to make it sound harsh.
Our brave new President also decided it was time to leave Iraq and head to Afghanistan because the quagmire is always quagmirier on the other side of the fence. He did his best to ignore what was going on in Mexico. Five people got beheaded by a drug-dealing ficus tree.
Bernie Madoff got convicted for making millions of dollars disappear – a fraction of what congress vaporized in Obama’s first month. Notre Dame University gave Barack an honorary degree, which his teleprompter graciously accepted. He got an unexpected rub when Arlen Spector switched sides, shocking a total of seven people, most of whom thought he was already a Democrat.
Then, Obama Claus came early, sneaking down our chimneys, stealing our late-1980’s automobiles, and replacing them with a discount coupon for a small front-wheel-drive piece of crap.
Look for part two Wednesday – A new Supreme Court Justice, a scary head cold, and the death of a freakish icon.
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