|
Back to archives Home
Corpse of Billy Carter Found with White House Christmas Decorations
 The Obamas got an unexpected surprise when they went to decorate all 26 White House Christmas trees – the mummified corpse of former first brother Billy Carter.
Michelle Obama found the remains of the Billy Beer magnate as she was dragging out old Christmas decorations in order to reuse them – part of her “Rejoice, Renew, Reuse” decorating theme.
“I was hoping to find some blue-green tinsel and some little disco-ball ornaments from the 1970’s stuff when I saw a rotten hand clutching an old beer can,” said Mrs. Obama, “When I saw a cigarette butt in his other hand along with an issue of Hustler and a bag of cheese balls, I knew it had to be Billy Carter. I don’t even want to talk about what he was wearing.”
The fashion-conscious first lady shied away from discussing Carter’s tattered garb, which consisted of nothing but leopard-print underwear and a pink shawl.
Carter, who was only slightly less embarrassing to the White House than his brother Jimmy, was known for making public gaffes with the frequency of Joe Biden and, according to his sister-in-law, Rosalyn, “liked to sneak into the room where we kept the Christmas decorations, wrap himself in tinsel and colored lights, and have a good ol’ fashioned Georgia spank-fest.”
Former President Jimmy Carter took a break from insulting the intelligence of the world’s Jews to comment on finally knowing the fate of his wayward brother.
“I always knew Billy would die that way,” said the former President, “He did love to spank. He was like that little pointer on the edge of the wheel from Wheel of Fortune. You know, whack-whack-whack-whack-whack? Just like that.”
After getting over her initial shock, Michelle Obama held fast to her decorating theme and asked volunteers to string parts of Billy Carter’s mummified corpse to the tree in the Green Room. The tree was topped with a can of Billy Beer and lights illuminated several capped teeth.
President Obama was pleased to see that Carter’s corpse didn’t go to waste, but took the opportunity to stump for healthcare reform.
“We are, of course, happy to have Billy Carter adorn our tree,” said the President, “But if health care reform like this had passed in Billy’s time, he’d still be alive and well and whackin’ away, surrounded by generations of Christmas ornaments.”
The President was noncommittal when asked about whether or not Billy Carter’s remains would return next year.
“I don’t know,” said Obama, “Maybe we’ll put him by that Kwanzaa thingy.”
Back to archives Home
|
