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President Romney: 2009 Just a Bad Dream
 Americans woke up to the reassuring voice of President Mitt Romney Friday morning, suddenly realizing that 2009 had just been one long, bad dream.
“I know a lot of you had the same dream I had,” said Romney, “Barack Obama was elected President and Joe Biden was Vice President. Vice President Fred Thompson and I would like to assure you that all is well.”
Romney explained that GM’s begging for a bailout and subsequent bankruptcy never happened. Instead, GM is a thriving company thanks to the easing of federal regulations that made it impossible to build an affordable car or put gas in it. In fact, Pontiac, GM’s number-one selling brand, has just introduced the new 2010 GTO, a retro-styled performance coupe with a 455 cubic inch V-8 power plant. Pre-sale orders are already through the roof.
The economy is also in much better shape than Americans dreamed, thanks to the war in Iraq. The Romney administration finally faced reality and took control of Iraqi oil wells. The profit paid off war expenses, rebuilt Iraqi infrastructure, and, when paired up with domestic oil drilling, brought the price of crude oil down significantly. Combined with incentives to refineries and a reduction in the gas tax to a barely necessary three cents per gallon, Romney’s programs have allowed retailers to sell gas at 78 cents per gallon again.
As a result, all industries used the reduction in overhead to expand and add thousands of new jobs.
The housing market is also still quite healthy according to Romney. Unlike the horrific collapse of Fannie Mae and Freddie Mac in our nation’s nightmare, government de-regulation of the mortgage industry allowed lenders to deny loans to people who couldn’t afford houses. The result was a healthy apartment market and a housing market with plentiful availability of quality houses at reasonable prices.
Vice President Thompson was instrumental in ushering an era of peace into the middle-east after several meetings with Israeli Prime Minister Ariel Sharon, who is in good health. Thanks to a coordinated multilateral effort, the Palestinian Authority was removed from power, Hamas was exterminated, and the remaining Palestinians had their rights and privileges restored in Israel, allowing them to resume their Israeli jobs. Those who could not integrate back into society were given moving expenses and an allowance for decent housing in Iran.
Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell lauded the amount of quiet in the middle east region ever since Mahmoud Ahmedinejad and seven of his successors fell to sniper bullets. Iran’s leader has stayed quiet since and even goes as far as not to identify himself.
Not all of the dream was made up. Michael Jackson is still dead and the Gosselins still hate each other. Neither story got much coverage in the mainstream media, however, as they were too busy congratulating NASCAR driver Jimmy Johnson for winning his sixth straight Cup and the Nobel Peace Prize for foiling a terrorist attack on American soil.
Democrats are scrambling to find a worthy challenger to Romney and Thompson, especially after frontrunner Barack Obama was caught illegally diverting funds to the defunct, fraudulent community organization ACORN and Joe Biden was caught cheating on his wife with a guy. Nancy Pelosi was planning to announce her candidacy before she fell into a mulch-shredding machine.
At this juncture, it appears the Democrats will be pinning their hopes on Rod Blagojevich.
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