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Iran Sends $5 Gift Card to Haiti
 As millions of dollars of aid pours into an earthquake-devastated Haiti, Iran elected to join in the rebuilding effort by sending a $5 gift card to Amazon.com.
“Our hearts go out to the people of Haiti,” said Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmedinejad, “We share in their sorrow and we will do everything we can to help. Now, I must go because ‘No Reservations with Anthony Bourdain’ is coming on in twenty minutes.”
Haiti’s President confirmed the arrival of the gift card from Iran, or at least most of it.
“Iranian censors cut the word ‘Amazon’ out of the card,” said Haitian President Rene Preval, “They also spelled Haiti wrong. But we are grateful to the people of Iran. With this, I think we can afford to get a used copy of the book ‘Bunnicula.’ Thank you so much, President Ahmedinejad. Now I must get back to my tent behind the crumbled remains of my palace where I plan to cry for two hours before picking up rubble by hand again.”
The international community stopped short of criticizing Iran for the size of its donation.
“We thank Iran for participating in the Haitian relief efforts,” said U.N. Secretary General Ban-Ki Moon, “We know this was a big deal for President Ahmedinejad, a man who refused to spend twenty-seven cents on a card for his mother after she had triple bypass surgery and a liver transplant on the same day.”
“We sent $1 million to Haiti,” said a spokesman for the L.A. Lakers basketball team, “But we appreciate what the Iranians are trying to do for the people of Haiti, a people who clearly lost a lot of their books under the rubble of most of their buildings. Hopefully President Ahmedinejad didn’t pull any muscles in his pinky finger while signing the card. We’ve seen that happen before. It’s not pretty.”
President Obama was quick to thank Iran for joining in on relief efforts.
“I was, well, let’s say I was truly touched,” said Obama, “President Ahmedinejad’s gift was a kind one. It made me emotional. The last time I got that emotional was after watching the movie Ferngully. I hope the people of Haiti are writing down where all these gifts are coming from. I expect a Thank You card, myself. At least nobody’s noticed that we blew it on the health care thing. Is this mic still on? Because, dude, Gibbs is wearing that dumb-assed pink tie again and he forgot to zip his fly up for the fourth time this week.”
With Iran’s contribution, the total value of services sent to Haiti now exceeds $150 million and five.
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