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Woods, Toyoda Earn Olympic Medals
 Tiger Woods took home the silver medal for the United States, and Toyota’s Akio Toyoda earned the gold for Japan in the Men’s Downhill Apologizing event in Vancouver. Earning the bronze was Canada’s Wippy Stevens.
The Men’s Downhill Apology event is a recent addition to the Winter Olympics, testing an athlete’s ability to apologize in a grand fashion while his entire life and career go down the tubes.
Judges praised Tiger Woods’ performance, citing his self-control and well-practiced routine. He lost points for not taking enough risks and refusing to perform for 80 percent of the audience.
“Tiger’s performance was just a bit too short,” said Sports Illustrated Olympic Analyst Will Muir, “He just didn’t put himself out there enough. This is the Olympics. You have to let it all hang out. He definitely earned the silver. It was a performance you just couldn’t stop watching.”
The real talk of the Downhill Apologizing event was Akio Toyoda, who wowed the audience with his seemingly endless stream of apologies as he sank deeper and deeper into the guttural depths of public dissatisfaction.
“I think I counted an astonishing 58 ‘I’m Sorry’s,’” said Olympic panelist Steve Driehaus, “They just poured out of his mouth like the filling of my taco last night. The taco was really overstuffed.”
Toyoda’s torrent of apologies for quality and safety lapses in his company’s cars electrified a packed house as the company’s vehicles are increasingly becoming four-wheeled albatrosses around the necks of their doomed owners.
An emotional Toyoda thanked his family and his countrymen for supporting him, and he apologized.
“This is an emotional moment for me,” said Toyoda, “I am sorry for getting so emotional. Thank you to my family. I am sorry that I got a B- in physical science 37 years ago. Excuse me, Mr. Woods. I am sorry I am standing a little to close to your place on the platform. I am sorry for not having this shirt starched before presenting myself. I have more apologies, but I must return to my hotel room to apologize to room service for my substandard tip.”
Not much is known about the Canadian upstart Wippy Stevens, who earned the bronze medal, only that he spilled his soda on the person next to him and delivered a solid, “Dude, I’m sorry.”
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