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McMahon Campaign Grapples with Wrestling Metaphors
 Former WWE executive Linda McMahon has wrestled with a constant onslaught of idiotic wrestling metaphors like an endless series of German suplexes from naïve members of the news media.
“It’s time for everyone to know about my successful background building a multi-national, diversified company,” said McMahon who is currently locked in a no-holds-barred primary match-up with former Representative Rob Simmons.
McMahon recently surged in the polls thanks to an infusion of cash that hit the campaign scene like an elbow dropped from the top rope.
“Linda’s poll numbers changed the complexion of this race not unlike a steel chair bouncing off of a bladed forehead,” said Quinnipiac University Poll Director Douglas Schwartz, “She’s got the other three candidates locked up tight in the figure-four leglock and they aren’t anywhere near close enough to the ropes to grab on and force the ref to break the hold.”
The McMahon campaign met the results with optimism, in spite of the constant spinning heel kicks delivered in the form of wrestling metaphors. But the question still remains; can she make it to the main event and claim the championship belt?
“We’re encouraged by the latest poll numbers,” said McMahon campaign spokesman Ed Patru, at the top of his lungs, “And we have a message for three-term Congressman Rob Simmons. Whatcha gonna do, Rob? Whatcha gonna do when Lindamania runs wild on you, brother!”
The McMahon candidacy has brought a host of new political commentators out of the woodwork to give their analysis of a potential race between Linda McMahon and a Democratic opponent.
“By Gawd! By Gawd! What a slobberknocker that would be!” said former wrestling commentator-turned-political-analyst Jim Ross, “Will there be outside interference from a third-party candidate?! Will Linda be able to recover if she gets whipped like a government mule? Will she stomp a mudhole in her opponent and walk it dry?! By Gawd!”
Speculation over the implications of such a race abounds like HGH and steroids in an overblown physique. The McMahon campaign has made efforts to steer clear of wrestling references like all the little guys try to stay clear of the fat guy in an over-the-top-rope battle royal. She certainly doesn’t plan to spend much time on her back counting lights like one of those guys that gets paid to lose matches over and over.
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