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Poll: Americans Now Extremely Pissed Off
 A new Gallup poll released today provided a warning to Americans who aren’t all that annoyed right now – 87 percent of Americans are extremely pissed off.
According to scholars at Quinnipiac University, a variety of factors have led to the highest rate of pissedoffiness in American history.
“Half of the country got pissed off when the health care reform passed,” said Jefferson Townes, a professor at Franklin and Marshall College who inexplicably still wears bow ties, “About a third of the country got pissed because it passed without a public option. There were some other pissing-points, as well.”
According to Townes, 75 percent of American sports fans threw an all out “s**t fit” when Kansas screwed up their NCAA basketball tournament brackets. The rest of the abundant upsets managed to piss of a staggering 95 percent of sports fans.
Also, 48 percent of the country’s dorks, nerds, high-school losers, and dweebs who identify themselves as ‘straight’ became extremely pissed upon hearing that Lady Gaga is attracted to women.
College campuses were not immune.
“College students ramped up their pissedoffitude at a rate of 74 percent thanks to Wikipedia,” said Townes, “All it took was a couple of hours of outage, and entire campuses full of students suddenly became unable to produce any bulls**t that sounded close-to-accurate.”
An aggregate of nearly three percent of the entire country also reported being pissed off that the TV show Scrubs might be ending, that Jesse James cheated on Sandra Bullock with a girl who resembles an oriental rug, and that Bruce Villanch is still allowed to go out in public.
According to Gallup, 31 percent of those polled reported that it really pissed them off that they had to take time out to answer a stupid poll. Another 15 percent indicated that a certain Toyota Prius doing 56 miles per hour in the left lane without moving over “pissed them off to the point of screaming the f-word out of their sunroofs.”
One percent of Toyota Prius drivers reported being pissed off that multiple people had tailgated them and shouted the f-word.
Townes indicated that the President should act quickly, before the entire country becomes pissed off and resembles the sales floor of Guitar Center.
“It is our suggestion that marijuana be legalized as soon as possible,” said Townes, “I don’t know if it would help or not, but I sure could use a doobie right now. I’m really worked up over this Lady Gaga thing.”
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