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Obama Begins Push for Pope Reform
 President Obama announced today that he will begin pushing congress to draft extensive Pope reform legislation.
“The old Pope is broken,” said Obama, “That’s why we need to rely on congress to come up with some better ideas and oversight in the Pope sphere. I urge everyone to act quickly.”
Reform measures on the table include Catholic Church doctrine, Papal absolution for congressional legislators, where young boys can be touched, and Papal vestments.
“We’d like to see the touching of young boys limited to the top of the head, the outer ears, and perhaps some light patting of the buttocks,” said Obama, “But we also want the next Pope to be a gay African American woman, so maybe she should get to decide more specifics on where to touch boys.”
Democrats immediately began debating what other conditions would be imposed in the new Pope reform bill.
“I for one am offended by this white smoke,” said Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi, “Why can’t a new Pope be picked by black smoke? This is the kind of racism we need to put an end to.”
The Senate Majority Leader focused more on the Pope’s clothing.
“What’s with his outfit? He looks like a giant sperm in that thing,” said Harry Reid, “Maybe Catholic priests would be less likely to touch boys if the Pope didn’t look like a giant sperm. Let’s introduce the papacy to Polo shirts. A pork-pie hat wouldn’t hurt, either. They never go out of style.”
Republicans immediately began legislative maneuvering to block the bill because, according to Senate majority leader Mitch McConnell, “It just sounded like it would be a fun thing to do.”
“First we’ll get all the Senate pages to take all the seats in the chamber,” said McConnell, “Then we’ll hide all the toilet paper. Maybe later, Chuck Grassley will walk around and play the bagpipes while people try to talk to each other. It’ll be a humdinger of a time, I tell you.”
The President shrugged off questions about whether or not the United States government was attempting to overreach its bounds.
“Everybody has a right to be a Pope,” said Obama, “It’s not a privilege. It’s not an honor bestowed upon the hardest working, miracle-performing, wisest and most sagely of the clergy. It’s a right and it’s time we started thinking about Popedom as a right. Beside, I said so, so f**k off.”
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