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Betty White Finally Gets to Host U.N. Nuke Conference

The diplomatic world was abuzz after a successful Facebook campaign enabled Betty White to host the U.N. Nuclear Proliferation Conference in New York.

White’s sense of humor and popularity quickly overshadowed the antics of Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadenijad, who used a U.N. speech to berate nuclear-armed nations and accuse the United States of committing acts of terror.

“I don’t know anything about American acts of terror, but I know I won’t be showing my bare tits to the U.N. today,” said White as she addressed the assembled delegates, “After all, at my age, s**t starts to sag. But Mahmoud, you are cute. I could eat you up with that beard and those glasses. Come here and make me a woman.”

Ahmadinejad was already angry that several delegates walked out on his speech, was quite shocked by White’s comments.

“America is a great Satan because it has nuclear weapons, Jews, Amway, and STDs,” said Ahmadinejad, “Therefore, I do not have time to have a carnal encounter with Betty White. Gosh, she’s funny. I like her poofy hair. It’ll be a shame when she’s burning in hell.”

Secretary of State Hillary Clinton displayed a little professional jealousy when asked about White’s hosting gig.

“I warned Mahmoud that Iran will face tough sanctions if it doesn’t meet nuclear demands,” said Clinton, “Then, I made a stink-face. Where’s my f**king Facebook movement? What’s Betty White got that I don’t have? We’ve both slept with Bill Clinton!”

White House Press Secretary Robert Gibbs indicated that the Obama administration is still open to working with Iran, but quickly went back to throwing barbs at the Bush Administration.

“If, uh, Mahmoud, uh, Ahmadinejad would just, uh, listen, then, uh, things will be, uh, all fine,” said, uh, Gibbs, “The President also, uh, wanted me to, uh, point out that, uh, this is the first, uh, nuclear conference where nobody’s said, uh, nucular.”

White closed the first day of the conference with words of thank you to everyone who brought her there, followed by a quick musical number.

“I just wanted to thank everyone for forcing the U.N. to give me this gig,” said White, “And for listening to my passionate pleas not to throw baby polar bears into industrial blenders. I’m pleased to announce that since I made a plea to stop throwing baby polar bears into industrial blenders, no baby polar bears have been thrown into industrial blenders.”

U.N. Secretary General Ban-Ki Moon was pleased with the proceedings.

“I’m pleased with the proceedings,” said Moon, “We made a lot of progress, Betty dances a mean Samba, and nobody said ‘nucular.’ Oh crap, I just said it, didn’t I?”

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