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Biden Goes on Gaffe-Fest
 Vice President Joe Biden launched into an all-out gaffe-fest today as he lost total control of his ability to filter out offensive comments. The hour-long press conference raised eyebrows, scared children, offended several nations, and really pissed off Wilfred Brimley.
It all began innocently enough, when Biden was asked to provide comments from the White House on the day’s news stories.
“It’s too early to tell if BP’s Top Kill method will be the bullet that split Kurt Cobain’s brain,” said Biden, addressing the Gulf oil crisis, “What we do know is that the oil in the gulf is rapidly approaching an oil saturation level akin to Steve Buschemi’s hair.”
The press corps soon regretted informing Biden of the passing of TV personality Art Linkletter.
“Art was a television pioneer who embarrassed people almost as much as Larry King,” said Biden, “He was a complete shmuck off-camera, but you don’t need to quote me on that. I mean it. He was a real dickhead.”
Biden also addressed the plummeting Dow.
“Yes, I know the Dow Jones dropped just like my testicles after I got out of the pool,” said Biden, “But it’s not because of our stimulus package. Our stimulus package worked, and you’d have to be a f**king idiot not to think so. The only way to make our economy better is to throw enough money at it to buy Michael Jackson’s art collection.”
“What do you think Michael looks like now?” added Biden, “Probably a plastic outline of Michael Jackson.”
Biden gave his own unique take on the unrest in Jamaica.
“People get really testy when you don’t pass the damn doobie,” said Biden, “I guess those nappy Rastas finally got pissed enough to shoot something. Good for them. If the country catches fire, maybe the smoke will waft up here and get us all high.”
When asked about previous gaffes, Biden apologized for not being careful.
“I still feel bad about saying the Prime Minister of Ireland’s mother was dead,” said Biden, “I mean, she probably should be with all that drinking they do, but G-d bless her, the lush is still kickin’. Hope she didn’t drop you to much when you were a baby, Prime Minister Cowen.”
It was at the point in the press conference when Obama came running in and yanked all the plugs out of the microphones, awkwardly explained that “Joe was off his meds,” and ushered him out the door.
“By the way,” shouted Biden as Obama ushered him out of the door, “Quaker Oatmeal sucks!”
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