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Israel Condemned for Lookin’ at Arab Like That
 Israel received near universal condemnation today for lookin’ at Ali Akbar like that while troops marched by the Gaza border.
“Why you gotta look at me like that?” shouted Akbar, as Israeli troops marched by, stopping briefly to glance at nearby trees, “You got a problem with me? Hey! Stop lookin’ at me like that!”
The alleged looks drew immediate criticism from nations around the world. Turkey immediately responded by pulling its ambassador and severing all ties with the only middle-eastern democracy.
“It is unacceptable that Israel would dare look at an Arab like that,” said U.N. Secretary General Ban Ki-Moon, “We are shocked that they would do such a thing. An explanation is expected.”
The United States even joined in on condemning Israel’s wayward glance.
“We deeply regret that this tragedy occurred,” said Secretary of State Hilary Clinton, “Israel’s continued aggression towards those nice little Arabs needs to stop. How dare they look at cute little Ali that way?! He’s a nice boy.”
Unconfirmed reports from the Israeli soldiers involved indicate that Ali Akbar was actually hiding a machine gun underneath a nearby baby, while trying to get the soldier’s attention so he could throw grenades at them.
This information continues to be classified as unconfirmed because it comes from people who were there when it happened, rather than thoroughly impartial AP reporters with names like Ahmed.
“I wasn’t actually looking at Ali,” said IDF soldier Elad Barak, “I was looking at the cute baby. Ali kept shouting at us not to look at him like that. We were trying to ignore him even though he had been shooting at us for the past ten minutes. We weren’t even carrying live ammunition.”
Barak’s statement was later recanted by reporters from the Associated Press and Reuters since it was from an “unconfirmed source.” The AP reporters indicated that it was more likely that Ali was trying to deliver fresh, delicious milk to the baby when IDF soldiers looked at him “that way.”
“Israel must make concessions if we are to have a peaceful, two-state solution,” said Palestinian Authority Chief Mahmoud Abbas, “They can’t be lookin’ at us like that, first of all, and second of all, they need to give us Jerusalem and leave the country thin enough in the middle for us to strategically bisect it.”
A frustrated Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu wasn’t sure what to say.
“I don’t think we can say anything that won’t draw universal condemnation,” said Netanyahu, “We love puppies and want to give hugs to everybody. Watch what happens.”
“We universally condemn the statements made by Mr. Netanyahu,” said U.N. Secretary General Ban Ki-Moon, “Such love of puppies is an affront to Arabs and hugging is an act of aggression. We expect an explanation.”
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