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White House Begins Slow Cleanup of Helen Thomas Contamination
 The Coast Guard indicated that it could take years to clean up the damage from Helen Thomas’ decades-long career disaster as a White House correspondent, Coast Guard Adm. Thad Allen, the federal government’s response manager for the Helen Thomas disaster, said Monday.
“Just getting through the discarded mint wrappers, Cheet-o residue and caked-on lipstick is going to go on for a couple of months,” Allen said during a White House briefing, “Long-term issues of environmental restoration –namely the carpet in the press room and the breathability of the air – will be years.”
The total amount of “pure schmutz” being collected from the area once contaminated by Thomas in the press room increased over previous estimates to roughly 466,000 pounds, or the equivalent of 2.3 million used tissues, 1.6 million Egg McMuffin wrappers and 1.2 million used Depends Undergarments.
Earlier in the day, a BP cleanup crew evaluated the level of contamination in the White House press room and indicated that “there was no way in hell we were touching this mess.”
“Somebody should’ve put a cap on that bitch a long time ago,” said BP Senior Vice President Bob Fryar, “She let off enough toxic fumes to kill every pelican on the east coast. I mean, damn.”
An irate President Obama defended his administration’s response to the Helen Thomas spill.
“Not once during my time at the White House did I have any indication of the level of toxic sludge, foul stench, black ooze, and perpetual filth that had been building up under Helen Thomas,” said Obama, “We’re putting our efforts into trying to figure out whose ass to kick.”
According to the President, the EPA is now monitoring the situation on a daily basis.
“We found a dead cat in there,” said Obama, “And it’s been there for a while. I don’t even want to talk about the brick of cheddar cheese. Somehow, this is George Bush’s fault.”
Helen Thomas was unavailable for comment throughout the ordeal as BP workers were busy trying to weld a steel cap onto her. Efforts were complicated by Helen’s instability and illness breaking out among the workers.
“I think I’m going to be sick,” said BP worker Steven Price, “We would have had the cap on hours ago if the bitch would just stay still. Somebody distract her with some more starlight mints, dammit.”
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