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BP: Maybe we Can Swab it up with These Old Pants?

Frustrated, running out of ideas, facing a deadline and already past the $75 million cap on costs relating to the big spill, BP presented its last shot at cleaning up the Gulf: Swab up the oil with a pair of old pants.

“We’ve welded caps on the well, tried covering it in domes, brought in high-tech machinery,” said BP Chief Executive Officer Tony Hayward, “We even tried machines and techniques from people like Kevin Costner and James Cameron. When that didn’t work, we threw everything at it. After dirtying up every sponge, rag, paper towel, napkin, undershirt, and white kitten in the southeastern United States, all we had left was this old pair of pants.”

According to Heyward, the Pants Plan (PP) will be implemented next Monday.

“It’s all we have left, the Pants Plan, or PP as we like to call it,” said Heyward, “We’ll be using our PP in the Gulf as soon as our research gives us some accurate projection as to how much oil it will absorb, so we can report it to the President. We plan on giving President Obama a good, full view of our PP.”

Heyward also indicated that initial projections show that the old pants will extract 450,000 gallons of oil from the gulf. However, those numbers are “preliminary estimates” and may get “revised up or down a little.”

Meanwhile, Coast Guard Rear Adm. James Watson, the government’s on-scene administrator, continues to look over the shoulder of BP’s workers, suggesting better methodology to remove the oil.

“First, I suggested that the workers cup their hands and carry it over to buckets before it all leaks through their fingers,” said Watson, “They didn’t seem willing to do that, so I order some bendy straws. All I know is that their methodology better improve soon. Otherwise, we’ll step in, and we have a beer bong.”

Meanwhile, a still-furious President Obama wandered the White House, looking for asses to kick.

“I’m still furious,” said the President, “That’s why I’m kicking asses. I kicked three interns in the ass yesterday and told them to pass the message along to BP. I can’t wait to meet BP face-to-face, because I’m going to kick some ass.”

The President later indicated that he would probably just continue to kick the asses of interns, since “those BP guys look pretty tall.”

Coast Guard Adm. Thad Allen said Wednesday that a little more than 15,000 barrels of oil had been recovered, but that he had noticed that most of the means of recovery were used up.

“They got a lot of oil in buckets, rags, paper towels, and undershirts,” said Allen, “But there’s still a lot out there. I’m not sure what new plan their working on, but it better be good.”

“By the way,” added Allen, “Has anyone seen my old pants?”

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