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Obama Pulls his Groin Trying to Kick an Ass
 President Obama suffered a severe groin pull today as he attempted to kick the ass of BP Chairman & CEO Tony Hayward. The President was attempted to deliver on a promise he made last week while he was “furious” with BP’s response to the crisis.
The President appeared on the White House lawn this morning with a heavily bandaged, ice-covered groin area, sitting in a wheelchair with crutches at the ready.
“I’m still furious at BP,” said Obama, “I planned to kick Mr. Hayward’s ass as I promised, but I just didn’t realize his ass was so high up there. He’s also a pretty spry and athletic CEO, so he side-stepped me a bit.”
The President indicated that he heard a “pop” from his groin area, and it “wasn’t the pleasant kind of pop.” When he realized something was wrong, he grabbed his groin with both hands, causing him to lose balance and fall, landing directly on his buttocks.
“I saw Barack try to make that kick,” said Vice President Biden, “When I heard his groin pop, I grabbed my own balls and winced. I think my voice went up a few octaves just watching Barack’s nuts pop. Then I started laughing when he fell on his ass. I feel kind of bad about that, but damn it was funny. Where’s a f**king video camera when you need one?”
“I’ll bet his balls look a bit like Bam Marguera’s head right now,” added Biden.
Hayward had no idea about the President’s attempted ass-kicking until the media informed him.
“He what?!” said Hayward, “I mean, I heard a loud pop from behind me the other day, followed by a series of loud, girlish shrieks, but I’m so used to girls shrieking at me these days that I didn’t pay any attention. You mean to tell me that was actually Barack Obama trying to kick my ass? Does he have any idea how high my ass is?”
After the incident, Obama was rushed to a nearby hospital, where treatment was kept to a minimum due to existing injuries.
“The President is still recovering from a nasty bump to the head he suffered a few months ago,” said Dr. James Whitson, “We decided to avoid any medications. We just iced him up, bandaged his groin area and told him to tough it out. He’s a tough guy, even if he does scream like a girl.”
The incident referenced by Dr. Whitson was a head injury suffered during a botched showing of respect to the President of China. President Obama attempted to bow to the President of China, as is ceremonial in all 27 countries he’s bowed to world leaders in, but bowed too deeply and ended up destroying an end-table with his head. The resulting concussion has still left Mr. Obama with headaches.
“Now, I have some ass-aches to go with my headaches,” said Obama, “But I have not given up on kicking Mr. Hayward’s ass. Watch your back, Tony. As soon as I’m out of this wheelchair, I will totally kick your ass. Actually, let me clarify. I’m going to hit your ass with a stick. Michelle said she would divorce me if I tried to kick it again. So I’m using a stick, unless Joe wants to be my surrogate kicker. Or maybe I’ll use a surrogate kicker who doesn’t have nuts, like Hillary Clinton or Harry Reid.”
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