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Obama Takes Short Break from Golf to Address Oil Crisis
 President Obama took a short break from his golf game today to provide an update on the Gulf oil crisis, speaking to the media from a convenient teleprompter set up on the ninth hole.
“I’m still pissed at BP CEO Tony Hayward,” said Obama, “The bastard has the audacity to go watch a yacht race while oil continues to spew into the Gulf and destroy our fragile ecosystem. I am furious and I assure you we will take some form of as-yet-to-be-defined action.”
Obama quickly turned to putt for a bogie on the ninth while his caddies grabbed both his clubs and the teleprompter.
BP CEO took a brief break from watching his yacht race to answer the President.
“I am so sorry about this,” said Hayward, “Our estimates were a tiny bit off, and it looks like there’s actually three trillion tons of oil spewing into the Gulf. Sorry for watching the yacht race, too, but I bet sixty grand on this race and my crew better f**king win it.”
As Hayward turned his attention back to billion dollar yachts duking it out on the high seas, The Endive sought out other opinions and solutions for the oil crisis.
“Has anybody tried some kind of displacement spell?” asked actor Daniel Radcliff, who had taken a break from shoving twenties in the panties of pole dancers in order to go to Orlando and open up the Harry Potter Theme Park, “Just kidding. Maybe they should send the pelicans back out there after they clean ‘em off. Eventually, the birds should soak up all the oil.”
“I think they should kill Tony Hayward,” said accused murderer Joran van der Sloot, who briefly interrupted his vacation hiking the mountains of Peru in order to attempt to retract his confession, “Am I on television right now?”
Meanwhile, a large group of Pagans gathered around Stonehenge to usher in the summer solstice with song and dance. The Pagans had briefly interrupted their vacation time on the couches at local bookstores to bring the stench of cheap incense to England.
“This is all happening because we’re not doing a good enough job pretending to be trees for the goddess,” said pagan Tracy Featherstone, “If you felt the Earth right now, you’d feel it crying. You need to feed the Earth. Give it some Cheet-o’s. Try it. Stick a Cheet-o in the Earth. She will love you forever.”
CNN’s Larry King decided to take action and do something about the oil crises. King will briefly interrupt his vacation in Amsterdam to host a telethon to raise relief funds for the Gulf.
“Sure, I’m having a lot of fun right now smoking marijuana and hash while banging prostitutes whose names I will never remember,” said King, “But what’s important is that I do something to raise money for Gulf relief. Yes, I know BP is picking up the tab and that they have billions of dollars, but somebody’s got to pay me for hosting this f**king telethon.”
Meanwhile, the rest of the world went back to working 60-hour work weeks for diddly-squat.
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