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Disappointed CNN shelves Cheney Obit
 Frustrated members of CNN’s writing staff once again shelved an artfully written obituary for Dick Cheney after he quickly recovered from yet another minor heart problem this week.
The obituary, which has been kept on various archive CDs at CNN headquarters for more than a decade, has reached legendary status among the writing staff.
“Every time he goes to the hospital, we pull it out and tweak it a little,” said CNN writer Jordan Mentz, “This article is a guaranteed Pulitzer. I just wish one of us got the chance to freaking publish it.”
Cheney’s obituary is quickly climbing the ranks for its shelf live, having surpassed Bob Hope’s obituary last year.
“It’s kind of a crap shoot between Cheney, Keith Richards and Abe Vigoda,” said Mentz, “Oh, and I guess I should throw in Amy Winehouse. We’ve actually had an obit ready for her since she was eight years old.”
CNN has been secretive regarding details of the legendary obit, only revealing that it covers everything from his modest upbringing in Lincoln, Nebraska, to his marriage to his high school sweat heart to his time with Halliburton and his Vice Presidency.
“One of our writers from 1993 even uncovered some of Dick’s poetry,” said a CNN staff writer who refused to be identified, “Nobody had any idea this guy wrote poems – good ones, too. Inside, he was like a tormented, sweat Teddy bear of a man, with a love for French Cuisine.”
Sources indicate that the obituary was to reveal an unknown side of Cheney, a Vice President who made time for introspection and often contemplated the wings of butterflies or the morning dew.
“The public will never know about this stuff because Cheney just won’t f**king die,” said Mentz, “Dude’s had more heart attacks than Fred Sanford, yet he smirks on. Waiter, I’ll have whatever he’s having.”
Equally frustrated were CNN’s graphic designers, who have spent years perfecting the “Dick Cheney, 1941 – 20XX” graphic.
“Every two months, we meet and argue over the font,” said graphic artist Louis Spencer, “The background’s a bone of contention, too. Dude loved the American flag, but we wanted all black. We’re trying to get a Darth Vader look here and it’s just not working.”
Indeed, CNN wanted the obituary to focus mainly on Cheney’s controversial issues – his time with Halliburton, the war in Iraq, and his propensity towards hunting accidents. The discussion of the obit’s headline has often been contentious.
“We always argued over the title,” said our anonymous source, “Our edited wanted it to read ‘OIL LOVING GUNMAN AND FORMER VP FINALLY DEAD,’ while our writing staff was leaning towards, ‘DING DONG… YOU KNOW THE REST.’ Either way, it wasn’t going over well with our test audiences. Currently, the favorite is ‘HEART ATTACK FELLS DICK.”
While Cheney’s heart continues to beat healthily, CNN continues to prepare for the worst.
“Some of us have been working on this article for our entire careers,” said the anonymous source, “We will not be scooped, even by a few seconds. When Cheney drops, we’ll be on it like the family and friends of Gary Coleman – which, incidentally, was an obit that I had been working on for seven years. It was damn good, I must add.”
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