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A Whale Arrives in Gulf to Soak up Environmentalists
 The world’s largest oil skimmer arrived in the Gulf of Mexico today to begin testing to see if it would be capable of soaking up the massive number of environmentalists who descended upon the spill to make projections.
Choppy seas made testing difficult according to Bob Grantham, a spokesman for Taiwanese shipping firm TMT, so the vessel may have to begin testing in other areas where an overabundance of environmentalists have wrought havoc, such as the Galapagos Islands or Seattle.
The ship, dubbed “A Whale,” is a converted oil tanker with special slits cut in the side designed specifically to suck up 21 million gallons of water and environmentalists. Once inside the vessel, the environmentalist-saturated water is treated with a dispersant, such as commercials for the latest SUV or recordings of recent Tractor Pulling events.
The 98% pure water is then re-released into the gulf and the environmentalists are given grants to go study somewhere where they won’t bother people, such as the North Pole or Iran.
The massive explosion of environmentalists in the Gulf is only the latest in a string of difficulties for President Obama and BP. The President, facing his first massive environmental disaster, and BP, who caused the disaster and has to pay the cleanup tab, have been somewhat paralyzed by the glut of environmentalists and their conflicting assessments of environmental impact.
“Just yesterday, one environmentalist told me that we were within days of this becoming the worst oil spill in history,” said BP CEO Tony Hayward, “Today, another explained that his numbers were off, and that this became the worst spill in history seven hours ago. Then, a guy came in after him and said it became the worst spill in history last Thursday. All I can say is What the F**K?”
President Obama was equally compounded by the unending flow of conflicting projections.
“What I’m told is that BP’s cap is wobbling,” said Obama, “No, wait, now someone else is telling me that BP’s cap is bobbing up and down. Actually, someone else is saying that it’s dancing like a dashboard hula doll. That doesn’t make any f**king sense.”
Frustrated BP engineers planned to relieve the Gulf of environmentalists using a controlled burn, but that plan was abandoned.
“While most people were begging us for a controlled burn of the environmentalists,” said Hayward, “We just couldn’t do it. There was too much hemp clothing. All of Louisiana would have gotten high. Well, at least, higher than they are now. Plus, we strongly believe that an estimated 3,500 pairs of Birkenstocks can be salvaged and reused.”
A Whale is expected to try again at skimming off all of the environmentalists later this week, pending the availability of a reality show camera crew.
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