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Conway Twitty Miniaturized, Committee Reports
 Members of an independent genetics research team reported yesterday that they successfully produced a miniature clone of deceased country singer Conway Twitty.
The goal, according to a spokesman for the Itty Bitty Twitty Committee, was to reintroduce Conway Twitty into society, but in a low-emissions, greenhouse-friendly way. The committee, consisting of a mixture of celebrities and scientists, is hoping to better society through the use of a miniature version of Conway Twitty.
“The new Conway will be capable of thriving in our newly contracted Thermosphere,” said Itty Bitty Twitty Committee co-chairperson Kiera Knightly, “He won’t have to worry about his head poking out of the thermosphere and impeding his ability to sing country music, even with his helmet hair.”
Committee members also touted the new Twitty’s smaller carbon footprint.
“Mini-Conway’s carbon footprint is small because his real footprint is small,” said Itty Bitty Twitty Committee co-chairperson Callista Flockhart, “It’s a foregone conclusion that small footed people have smaller footprints.”
“Tiny Conway will use an all-electric Nissan Leaf as his tour bus,” said Itty Bitty Twitty Committee Vice President Debra Messing, “Since he weighs only a few grams, the Leaf will have a greatly increased range with just him sitting in the cup holder.”
Other members of the committee focused on logistics.
“We’ve been having trouble finding the right size clothing for him,” said Itty Bitty Twitty Committee wardrobe specialists Mary Kate and Ashley Olsen, “They just didn’t make that many country outfits for the Ken doll, so we had to improvise. I think little Conway will be happy with his new overalls. It was hard as hell making boots out of a five inch cow, though.”
The committee also addressed rumors that a second miniature clone of Twitty was in the works.
“We do want to make another one,” said Itty Bitty Twitty Committee Undersecretary Paris Hilton, “In my opinion, there’s nothing quite like holding a small pair of Twitties in your hands. They just sing to you.”
Others were skeptical of the need for two small Conway Twitty Clones.
“I question the actions of the Itty Bitty Twitty Committee,” said Jeff Lancaster, President of a group that advocates the creation of much larger clones of Conway Twitty, “I would much rather strain my hands trying to wrap them around two enormous Twitties than be bored to death by a pair of diminutive Conways. You want your Twitties to sing to me? Make ‘em huge.”
The committee reacted with offense at questions behind its rationale.
“How dare anyone judge us because we have such a small Conway Twitty,” said Itty Bitty Twitty Committee member Gwen Stefani, “It seems like all people think of these days is how to make Conway Twitty larger and larger until he’s just an unrealistically gigantic country singer. People just need to lighten up and learn that just as much fun can be had with a pair of much smaller Conway Twitties. That’s what we’re out to prove.”
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