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Obama to Comic Con: We Will Fix the Time Continuum
 In an address to a crowd of geeks, nerds, dweebs, wenches, trekkies, Ghostbusters, and the occasional pimp at Sand Diego’s Comic Con, President Obama vowed to fix the errors in the time continuum that he claims caused all the nation’s problems during his presidency.
“My fellow hopeless dorks,” said Obama, “It is obvious that the disasters that have befallen us since I took office can be attributed to evil time travelers, possibly from the Star Trek continuum or evil Quantum Leapers.”
Before going into details about how evil time travelers have sabotaged the country, Obama made it clear where he feels the blame lies.
“These time travelers are obviously working with the Bush administration,” said Obama, “While enacting his failed policies, George W. Bush had Vice President Cheney summon time travelers to go into the future and mess up my term in office. We know this to be fact.”
Obama went on to explain specific instances of errors in the time continuum and call for help from Comic Con faithful of all races and planetary origins.
“We think that perhaps Romulans traveled back in time to blow up the deepwater Horizon as a way to avenge the death of Nero and the destruction of his ship, the Narata,” said Obama, “I know Nero and the Romulans are a source of grief for all Trekkies after Nero drastically altered the Star Trek continuum. Even though Uhura is much hotter now, the changes are still too difficult to process.”
Obama went on to call upon attending Klingons, Orions, Vulcans and Starfleet personnel to begin searching out and reporting any suspicious Romulan activity. Romulans in attendance denied wrongdoing.
“Please,” said Praetor Moebius, the ranking Romulan in attendance, “I believe that our alibi holds up. While the deep water Horizon was blowing up, the Centurion and I were enjoying a somewhat fresh Pizza Hut pan pizza over a game of World of Warcraft and the Centurion’s mom’s house.”
Obama also blamed economic turmoil on rogue Steampunk elements.
“I must admit, I don’t totally understand Steampunk,” said Obama, “But if these weird looking people are capable of building a clockwork laser weapon, I think they can handle time travel. That being said, I think they deliberately sabotaged the economy in order to try and force us into using their primitive technology.”
Obama called the assembled Jedi present at the convention to use the force to locate evil Steampunk elements and slice them up with “those light saver things they carry around.” He also called on superheroes in attendance to lend assistance.
“There is no shortage of problems that could be readily handled by the superheroes assembled at this convention,” said Obama, “I’ve seen in attendance Spider Man, Iron Man, Batman, The Green Lantern – both the black guy lantern and the white guy lantern, Spawn and even Darkman. Let’s get to work, people. One of you needs to handle Mel Gibson, and one of you needs to take care of the evil time-traveling rogue who broke Zsa Zsa Gabor’s hip.”
Obama encouraged the assembled superheroes not to worry about their usual villains causing trouble.
“Don’t be concerned about evil villains causing problems while you’re doing other work,” said Obama, “I personally saw the Joker eating a burrito at the cafeteria. Lex Luthor’s in line waiting for David Hasselhoff’s autograph. The Green Goblin has been chasing the same girl around all morning trying to talk her into going out for sushi. All I’m saying is that your nemeses are distracted right now. Go take care of Kim Jong Il while you have the chance.”
Obama also indicated that even if the villains weren’t distracted, most of the appeared to be out of shape, spaghetti armed, or “about as intimidating as an Ewok.”
“If the President thinks we’re not intimidating, he’s in for a rude awaking,” said Chawab, an Ewok who came all the way from Endor by way of Athens, Georgia, “My furry friends and I plan on leaving Ewok turds in his Escalade.”
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