EA Sports to Unveil
Presidential Wrestling Game

Just in time for Presidents Day, EA Sports rolled out Presidential Professional Wrestling. Obvious fan favorites Ronald Reagan, Barack Obama, Bill Clinton and Richard Nixon will be available to duke it out in the squared circle (and outside the ring with steel chairs, ladders and plenty of ‘foreign objects’) – but the real news is in the hidden characters you can unlock with the right codes:

William Henry ‘HamHocks’ Harrison
Special Move: The Short-term Shakeup

Millard ‘Fill-em-up’ Fillmore
Special Move: The Fillmore Fist

Franklin ‘The Piper’ Pierce
Special Move: The Prince Albert

Rutherford B. ‘Badass’ Hayes
Special Move: The Rutherford B. Bitch-Slap

John Quincy ‘Q-Bomb’ Adams
Special Move: The Butt-in-the-face

William Howard ‘Huge Daddy’ Taft
Special Move: The Top-Rope Taft Bomb

Calvin ‘Cool as’ Coolidge
Special Move: The Coolidge Collision

Jimmy ‘Lipstick’ Carter
Special Move: The Peanut Blast

New Names

The Obama administration has been hard at work renaming many of the improperly named things we took for granted during the Bush administration. Here’s a handy guide to help you understand what everybody’s talking about these days:

The War on Terror is now
The Overseas Contingency Operation

Terrorist Attacks are now
Human-Caused Tragedies

Drug Dealers are now
Alternative Medication Providers

Enemy Troops are now
Improperly Oriented Gunmen

Dead people are now
Subterranean Contingency Humans

Kidnappers are now
Man-made Human Relocation Disaster Forces

Serial Killers are now
Repetitive Life-Removal Technicians

PONZI Schemers are now
Congressional Representatives

Illegal Immigrants are now
Misplaced Alternative American Nationals

Those who practice Bestiality are now
Alternative Animal Usage Inflictors

Death Row Inmates are now
The Appeal Generation Task Force

Terrorists are now know as
Moderate Taliban

Retarded People are now know as
The Obama Bowling Force

Securing our Borders

Drug war is raging in Mexico and illegal immigration is rampant. We need some new ideas for securing our borders and The Endive is ready to pony up:

Erect a giant, sticky wall of fly paper. Show up every few weeks and remove the excess Mexicans.

Deploy a human chain of unemployed credit card sales people who used to accost people in department stores and have them try and sign illegals up for the new Sears charge card.

Arm our border guards with water pistols and orders to aim for the crotch, leaving all Mexicans who try to cross the border looking as if they peed themselves and too embarrassed to continue.

Evil, face-ripping monkeys.

Send all of the American Idol hopefuls to the border to sing, causing all nearby heads to explode. Clean the mess up later.

Set up a line of cable TV’s along the border and pick them off as they get mesmerized.

Have cargo planes waiting to relocate all of them to Iraq.

Lincoln Bashing

An alarming trend has emerged across our political landscape - Lincoln Bashing. Liberals and conservatives alike are trying to bring little known facts to light tarnishing the legacy of one of our greatest presidents. We at The Endive were appalled by this, therefore we had no choice but do our own research so we could join in on the Lincoln bashing:

Abraham Lincoln actually only freed slaves whom he felt would be easy to convert into mulch for the flower bed in front of his log cabin.

Abraham Lincoln was not gay like the liberals allege. He was actually a woman. That’s why he couldn’t grow a mustache.

The revelation that Lincoln was a woman would seem to conflict with the assertion that he/she isn’t gay until you realize that Mary Todd Lincoln was actually a man. Her real name was, in fact, Todd.

Still skeptical? Show me a picture of either of them while pregnant with Tad. Account for those nine months. Can’t, can you?

The play Lincoln was watching when he was shot in Ford Theatre? The Wiz. John Wilkes Booth actually shouted at Lincoln “I’ll show you how to ease on down the road, bitch!”

John Wilkes Booth actually did not die. He’s still alive. He changed his name to Robert Byrd.

Lincoln actually mooned Jefferson Davis through the prison bars. On his deathbed, Davis later admitted that Lincoln did, in fact, have a tattoo of John Quincy Adams on his left butt cheek.

Lincoln wasn’t really that tall. People used to think he was tall because whenever he’d go through a doorway, he’d whack the top of the lintel with a book, scream “OW!” and hold his forehead like he’d just cracked it on the doorway.

The original ending to the Gettysburg Address called for Lincoln to take a swig from a bottle of Jack Daniels, then dump some on the ground of the cemetery, ending with the phrase, “There’s one for me, and one for my homies.”

Obama Retakes
the Oath of Office

Barack Obama had to retake the oath of office after Justice Roberts mixed up some of the words. We have the first accurate transcription of the debacle:

Justice Roberts: Repeat after me.
President Obama: You mean now?
Roberts: No. After I start the oath. Okay?
Obama: I think so.
Roberts: Should I count to three, then start?
Obama: No, just start.
Roberts: I, Barack Hussein Obama…
Obama: You’re Justice Roberts.
Roberts: Dammit, Barack!
Obama: Dammit, Barack!
Roberts: Do solemnly swear that I will…
Obama: Do swallowly snare that I will…
Roberts: Um. Right. Faithfully execute the office of President of the United States…
Obama: Faithfully execute the President of the United States…
Roberts: You can’t say that. That’s illegal.
Obama: You can’t say that. That’s illegal.
Roberts: Aw, f**k it. You’re the President.
Obama: Score! Aw hell yeah. Let’s go get a taco!

The Gift of Last Names

We at The Endive were so distressed at the growing number of celebrities without last names that we decided to be generous and donate some to them. Enjoy your new last names:

Madonna Stevens
Jesus H. Butler
Bono Blowschunks
Enya Greenblatt
Prince Hickenbottom
Sting Mitchell
Diddy Wiznisky
Pink Liebowitz
Beck Jenkins
Moby Wang
Flea Baggs
Cher Weinberg
Seal Clubber

The Endive Randomly Assigns Nicknames to Public Figures

Barack Obama: O' Slama-wamma-ding-donga-donga-bama
Hillary Clinton: Hill-o-beans Clintknockers
Plaxico Burress: Plaxo-Waxo-BOOM
Donald Rumsfeld: Duck Duck Goose Rummy Tubbs
Kim Kardashian: K-Kardashashashanashawashian
William Shakespeare: Shakey Rhymypants
Lou Dobbs: Dobby McSlapowitz
Britney Spears: Boom Boom McSparkles
Whoopie Goldberg: Steve Schwartz
Anderson Cooper: Koopa Troopa
Wolf Blitzer: KibblesnBitzer
Sanjay Gupta: SJ Hoop-ta Super-de-doopta
Jimmie Carter: Peanut McWeedles
Desmond Tutu: Desmond Tutu

Non Sequitors

1. The canal's open. Don't eat a monkey.
2. Lamp. It's the only way.
3. Ipecac latte. Snail urine.
4. The Federal Reserve doesn't know about all the melted cheese.
5. Soap chiklets are taking over. Rally the bars.
6. Beef tongue. Stick it in the 'fridge.
7. Ay aye aye aye. Aye aye aye frog.
8. Look. In the sky. It's a bird. It's a plane. It's cornstarch and buckets.
9. Elephant. Fresca. Corn-dog. Chili-cheese. Commemorative plate.
10. Moss on a Finkle is a sign of spring in Chechnya. Get a hammer.
11. Lemons in the mud, I'm dumping the bilge pump!
12. And that, Finklestein, is how we wrangle buffalo in Utah.
13. Algaecide! Rat bile! Stainless steel exhaust!
14. Well, I would offer testimony, but the cheese fell off the rotisserie.
15. Moth bawl!
16. I am pleased to announce that the frog is molting, and Toe cheese.
17. Any way you slice it, it's still hematite. Except on Sunday.
18. Ploof.
19. LET'S GET READY TO pheasant.
20. Dr. Seuss, get your fat ass off of my jet ski!

NASA Runs out of Asteroid Detection Money

NASA announced this week that it’s running out of the funds it needs to detect potentially dangerous asteroids before they strike our planet and blow it into tiny pieces. Here are some alternative detection measures they are considering:

Standing outside, looking up. Possibly pointing.

Standing on the roof, looking from there.

Sending Joe Biden into space to release blasts of hot air.

Encouraging people to keep moving in order to reduce their chances of being hit by an asteroid.

Expanding the Cash for Clunkers program to include asteroids.

Send in Michelle Malkin.

Getting everyone to take turns looking up and blowing really hard.

Allowing people to shoot their guns in the air just for fun like we did in the 1930’s so they might be able to shoot one.

Setting the asteroids up for an appointment to get an MRI in Canada, delaying their arrival by six months.

Broadcasting coverage of Jon & Kate into space in order to repel pretty much everything.

Beer with Obama

As our President once again attempts Beer diplomacy, it’s time to bring back The Endive’s list of Beers we’d like to see them drink:

Healthcare Reform Beer – Everybody else will buy it for you whether you like it or not. You won’t care how it tastes because you waited six months to get it.

Cash4Clunkers Lager – Bring in a 24-pack of better-tasting beer and we’ll pay you tons of money towards a six pack only half filled with light beer.

Cherokee Red Ale – The beer that keeps losing its choice spot on the supermarket shelf

Hippy Ale – You can hide your weed in the hidden compartment in the bottle. But dude, we forgot to put the beer in.

Asian Ale – Americans will buy it because they are fat and stupid.

Arab Ale Plus – It won’t explode until you’re in a crowd.

Indian Ale – It’s the same thing as Miller Lite, we just didn’t change the label.

Mexican Cerveza – It’s cheap. It does the job of getting you drunk a lot faster. It’s somehow making its way onto your supermarket shelves without us actively stocking it.

Global Warming Beer – It’s real, dammit. Don’t you see the big, colorful label that says it’s real?! There’s really beer in there. Really. Don’t open the bottle and check. Just trust us.

Microsoft Ready to Unveil Windows 7

Microsoft is excited about its new operating system, Windows 7, which it touts as being release on-time and probably glitch-free. Here are some of the features that will make this system beat the competition:

Automatically crashes any program that starts with a lowercase “i.”

New virus converter allows all the new computer viruses to work on a Mac.

Each copy comes with a dedicated East Indian guy named Steve to talk you through the installation.

The Blue Screen of Death is now available in sepia, purple, and beige.

A built in laser-beam shoots right through your cornea and into your brain, erasing all memories of Windows Vista.

Windows 7 will immediately crash if you use that crappy picture of your kid as your desktop background again.

Windows 7 touts many of the same features as Windows Vista, but with the enhanced value that comes with paying for Windows again.

Automatically detects old software and pops up a dialogue box that says, “Dude, this is crap.”

Harry Potter Madness Returns

Potter fans are going crazy over the release of the latest Harry Potter movie, Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince. Apparently, there were a few differences between the book and the movie. Here’s what they changed:

Harry’s owl is replaced by an iPod. Every time he uses it, Apple pays him to utter the phrase, “I sure do love this iPod. It’s groovy!”

A touching scene is added where Ron’s tongue gets frozen to a flag pole and the fire department has to come to get it off.

All the clocks at Hogwarts are stopped on 4:20.

They decided to cut the steamy sex scene between McGonagal and Dobby the house elf.

Hagrid begins smoking cigars and often quips, “I love it when a plan comes together.”

Voldemort enlists the services of Sheriff Roscoe P. Coltrane and his deputy Cletus in order to finally catch them Weasley boys.

It turns out that the half-blood Prince is actually Prince. He’s apparently part Norwegian.

Yoda makes a cameo. He slaps Dumbledore around and says, “Not so tough, you are. Kiss my little green ass, you will.”

Lady Liberty’s Crown Reopens
in Time for Fourth of July

Renovations are underway at the Statue of Liberty. Here’s what else they’re working on:

Constructing a giant crane to pick the gargantuan lice out of Lady Liberty’s hair before putting the crown back on.

Giving Lady Liberty a gigantic barrel to wear while they torch her cloak to kill those lice.

Replacing the inefficient torch with a hybrid Prius.

Pumping a large suppository up the stairway to improve traffic flow.

Finally getting her a new book to read.

Getting her a Blackberry so she can text with The Thinker.

Putting a huge sandwich board on her that reads “LEGAL IMMIGRANTS GO HERE.”

Finally getting around to sending the French a check to cover the shipping.

What’s Perez Hilton Getting Into?

Stripping naked, laying on Sully’s lawn, shouting “Land it here, Sully!”

Quietly tiptoeing away from anyone who resembles Will.i.am.

Asking Amy Winehouse to puke in a paper cup for him.

Begging Madonna to adopt him so he can get closer to Guy.

Writing unflattering eulogies for Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and that other celebrity dude that died last week.

Covering himself in chocolate to try and sneak into Brad Pitt’s house disguised as a giant Ding Dong.

Picking his ear, looking at it.

Making butt prints on Britney Spears’ windows.

Somehow getting ink on The Endive.

Mexican Drug Smuggling

The Mexican Navy managed to thwart an attempt by drug smugglers to use frozen sharks to hide cocaine. What else are those crafty Mexicans using to smuggle drugs across the border?

Hiding large amounts of Cocaine up Lindsay Lohan’s nose.

Walking up to border fence, saying to guard “Hola. I’m just passing through with this bag of drugs.”

Using Apple’s iDrugs App to encourage illegal drug downloads.

Putting drugs in hidden compartments of Yarmulkes and telling boarder guards that they’re all going to San Diego for the Lopezburg Bar Mitzvah.

Putting pure cocaine in a mug with floral patterns on the outside, walking up to border guards and explaining that Mrs. Sweeney in El Paso wanted to borrow a cup of sugar.

Getting really high, running across the border, wrapping themselves in paper and allowing others to smoke them.

Kidnapping Toucan Sam and forcing him to tell border guards that they aren’t smuggling drugs, they’re just following Toucan Sam to some Froot Loops.

Telling border guards that it’s just scouring powder for Nancy Pelosi’s bathtub.

Carrying the drugs in an unmarked box and telling border guards not to open it because someone put a booger in there.

Government Healthcare

Lawmakers are at a stalemate as to the future of health-care reform. The President and congressional Democrats are looking to a socialist form of health-care while Republicans want to rescue the private sector. Here are some of the sticking points in the Democratic plan:

They want to insure that guy who keeps sticking an ice pick up his belly button.

The government plan will not pay to undo the mental anguish caused by listening to the government plan.

Under the government plan, doctors would no longer need a doctorate, just some good ‘knife skills.’

They’re going to make sure everyone gets access to free Vicodin but we still can’t smoke one lousy joint without getting busted?!

Showing your government insurance card gets you a discount at Burger King, leaving Wendy’s at a competitive disadvantage.

The plan includes a thrift store for human organs that are a little past their prime, but still somewhat transplantable.

The plan will fine anyone who does not aid in the reassembly of Humpty Dumpty, including the king’s horses.

The plan includes free transport to Canada to sign up for the 6-month MRI waiting list.

Secrets of Gitmo

Gitmo detainees are speaking out about what went on behind the scenes at the facility Barack Obama wants to shut down.
Here are some of the things they reported:

The place just isn’t as fun without Dick Cheney around to stare directly into your soul.

There was a bug. A big bug. Ahmed had to step on it.

Inmates were left unable to kill Americans and it was stressful to them.

The iPods that were issued to inmates had nothing on them but 1970’s TV show theme songs.

Inmates were treated like they were in a prison or something.

Ali wiped his ass with Adnan’s turban. Mahmoud saw it and he won’t talk.

Inmates were forced to pee in round white bowls full of water that would empty out every time you pulled a lever.

Somebody took all the potatoes, squished them and put salt in them. They served them to inmates with an ice cream scooper, but nobody was fooled. It was neither ice cream nor a whole potato.

At sundown, they turned all the lights out, forcing inmates to sleep.

The Blues Brothers never showed up to play Jailhouse Rock. Instead, they got Barry Manilow. He played Mandy.

North Korea Answers Critics

North Korea drew criticism worldwide after its recent nuke tests. Kim Jong Il has finally come out and explained what they need nuclear weapons for.

Clearing a path to China because the brush got a little thick.

For, you know, stuff.

The 400 watt subwoofer in the back of Kin Jong Il’s Subaru just wasn’t kickin’ enough bass out.

What else is a nuclear missile but a giant penis that makes a big boom? Now North Korea feels more adequate.

They’ve been asking Denmark to shut the f**k up for ages. Now they’re hopeful Denmark will comply.

They feared that complete nuclear disarmament might put an end to future Terminator sequels.

Kim Jong Il plans to set a nuclear warhead on old Mr. McSweeney’s porch, light the fuse, knock on the door, hide in the bushes and watch while giggling.

There was an empty spot in the arsenal between the machine guns and the rocket launchers that happened to be just the right size for a nuclear missile.

His last enema didn’t do a damn thing.

Kim Jong Il thinks U.N. inspectors are really cute when they get that mad, wrinkly brow.

Obama Car Requirements

President Obama announced that he wants cars to average 35.5 miles per gallon by 2016. Here are some of his other requirements for the cars of the near future:

All cars must have an Obama ’08 sticker affixed to the bumper by 2014.

All fuel efficient cars will run partially on the life they suck out of you when you drive them.

Since GM will have to import cars from China to meet these standards, and all UAW employees have to keep their jobs at GM, UAW employees must be paid to sit briefly on the hood of each Chinese car, ensure it passes the butt-stress test.

People who opt to drive V-8 powered muscle cars will automatically be put on the list of dangerous extremists.

All cars will be equipped with built-in teleprompters, just in case the President needs a ride.

All cars should fall completely apart after two years, requiring you to buy a newer, more efficient car. This is more stringent than our current standard of American cars falling apart after five years.

All cars must be chemically emasculated in order to reach full fuel efficiency and low emissions.

All cars will be equipped with a device that delivers a slap to the driver’s face for every five hours that carbon is emitted from the vehicle and scolds them for destroying the planet.

All SUVs must be turned in for disassembly; unless it’s part of a Presidential convoy.

Joe Lindseed of Freemont, Kentucky, is required to replace the hood of his 1978 Chevy Monte Carlo with one that matches the color of the rest of his car by 2013.

Pelosi gets an Apology

Nancy Pelosi received an apology from a Sports Illustrated sports analyst for a joke in which it was suggested that members of our military would want to kill her. While we at The Endive don’t advocate killing Nancy Pelosi (she gives us way too much material. It’d be like caving in a diamond mine), we don’t apologize for crass humor either. Here are a few other people who’d probably kill her:

If she visited an old age home, she might get pelted to death by soft cookies.

If she was attacked by Zombies, they’d get awfully disappointed when they cracked her skull open and didn’t find much of a meal.

If Ghandi had only two bullets and he was in a room with Nancy Pelosi and Urkel, he would eviscerate Pelosi with a corkscrew, keep the bullets for himself, and hand the bloody corkscrew to Urkel who would turn to the camera, shrug and say “Did I do that?”

If five people were stuck in a falling airplane and there were exactly five parachutes, the four other people and the bar cart would get parachutes. Pelosi would be tossed out first to give them something relatively soft to land on.

If John Lennon were still alive today, he’d look at Pelosi and say, “You are way left of whacko.” Then he’d give her address to Mark David Chapman.

The Giving Tree would fall on her.

Santa would probably drop some C4 down her chimney.

Knut the polar bear would break out of his cage, find a pay phone, call Joan Rivers and ask her to bludgeon Pelosi to death with a frozen beef tongue.

If she read this, Pelosi might just drop dead because that last one made no sense whatsoever.

Important Birthday

Wednesday marks the birthday of the Editor-in-Chief of The Endive. In honor of this occasion, he has revealed to us what he wants for his birthday, and ultimately, what he’d like to get out of The Endive:

A 1966 Chevrolet Chevelle coupe (no post), preferably with a 4-speed.

A set of top hat-style rally wheels for the aforementioned Chevelle

An aluminum intake for a Chevy Chevelle engine.

Reproduction SuperSport emblems for a 1966 Chevelle

Any necessary metal patch panels for a 1966 Chevelle body

A reproduction SuperSport grill for a 1966 Chevelle

A license plate frame for his Miata that says
“My other car is a 1966 Chevelle.”

A Flowmaster exhaust system for a 1966 Chevelle

A second 1966 Chevelle (in case he needs parts. Any body style OK).

A super cool white shift knob with the H-pattern on it for a 1966 Chevelle.

New Interrogation Tactics

In the wake of the President’s revelation that our interrogation tactics should be called into question, a list of new interrogation tactics has been released by the White House. Terrorists be warned: This is what’s in store for you if you’re captured. If you don’t spill the beans, we will…

Spoil the season finale of Lost.

Take away your premium cable channels for two days.

Show you a picture of your wife where she is revealing her left lower eyelid.

Stare you directly in the face and say,
“C’mon! Please? I’ll be your best friend!”

Follow it up with “Pretty please?! With a cherry on top?”

“And Sprinkles?”

Make you watch professional wrestling while sitting next to a very enthusiastic fan.

Clean your teeth and scrape all the tartar off with that little metal hook thing.

Make you smoke an entire pack of cigarettes, then show you a picture of diseased lungs.

Fart and blame it on you.

Gently caress your left breast, put our lips near yours and whisper, “Does this make you uncomfortable?”

Shave the Obama logo into your back hair.

Janeane Garofalo is a Big Fat Idiot

Janeane Garofalo recently decided to rant to Keith Olberman by spouting baseless statements about Tea Party attendees, calling them ignorant racist rednecks. The Endive has therefore decided to spout a few baseless statements about Janeane Garofalo without checking the facts at all.

Her next poop is going to look like a mold of Keith Olberman’s scalp.

Her last name is a contraction of the words ‘Garbage’ and ‘Buffalo,’ the two items she smells most like.

When she walks, she warbles.

It was, you know, that time of the month. She mistook the hormonal imbalance for intelligence.

She’s a communist, jew-hating, toad-licking, cud-chewer who likes to molest rodents.

She once regurgitated the skeletons of three Vietnamese children.

She performs abortions with her tongue and the government subsidizes it.

She really is kind of funny if you turn the sound off and watch her lips ooze petroleum jelly.

Obama to the Rescue

Barack Obama is getting a lot of the credit for making the call that led to the dramatic rescue of the U.S. flagged ship Alabama from Somali pirates. Here are some other important calls Obama apparently made recently:

Authorized the safe return of the entire crew of the S.S. Minnow.

Gave William Wallace the go-ahead to sack York.

Gave the nod to Tiny Tim to throw that crutch down and start running.

Allowed chocolate to collide with peanut butter, changing the world forever.

Cut the red tape so that Henry Ford could start production of the Model T.

Authorized the placement of the name ‘unknown’ on the Tomb of the Unknown Soldier.

Informed Peter Gabriel that he will, in fact, shock the monkey.

Signed off on the transition from Cassius Clay to Muhammed Ali.

Assisted the Beatles in backtracking all of those hints about Paul McCartney’s death.

Signed the Presidential order creating the heavens, earth, oceans, teeming creatures, fowl, flora, commercial television, and clothing for dogs.

Star Trekkin’

Star Trek has been known for political allegory, and with a new movie right around the corner, how will they adapt to the changing times?

The Enterprise will be replaced by the Enterprius. It’s 1/8^th the size, uses a fraction of the dilithium, and it looks totally gay.

Lieutenant Uhura will use her experience as communications officer to become captain of the Enterprius. The first two things she’ll do as captain are get a dog and put in a playground.

Klingons will no longer be referred to as ‘Klingon Bastards.’ From now on, they will be called Extraplanetary Contingency Partners.

Starfleet will lose ground to the Vulcans and seek a bailout from the United Federation of Planets. Captain Kirk will be asked to step down and be given his own Class-M planet as part of his retirement package. It will be populated with scantily-clad green women.

Those same green women will be brought to Earth in an attempt to gradually phase out not-green women.

Romulans will start a full-scale war next to the neutral zone as their ships try to sneak through in order to sell illegal Romulan Ale to Earth people. Earth people will call for Romulan Ale to be legalized.

The Enterprius will not be allowed to fire its phasers more than once a year in order to prevent intergalactic warming.

When Starfleet’s ‘Don’t Ask Don’t Tell’ policy is repealed, we will find out exactly how often Mr. Sulu had Klingons on his starboard bow.

The Politics of a Cat

The Endive checked in with an average house cat to see what cat politics were like. Here’s what we learned:

All moving things must die except for those who feed me.

Those who feed me will be put to death for tardiness.

I own everything. I do not share.

All vomit is to go on carpet only. That way I can remember where I vomited thanks to the stains.

Get that damn kid off of me.

I speak one word. It is meow. In English, the closest translation is ‘Now.’

I don’t want your taxes. All I ask is that if it’s full of meat, you cut it open and bring it to me.

Any other cats that encroach upon my dominion will be severely beaten and herded into a corner where they will remain for eternity.

Elections? Bah! The only vote that counts is mine!

The cat has spoken.

Rupert Murdoch Apologizes for Chimp Cartoon

Rupert Murdoch apologized today for a cartoon that depicted a dead chimp as the author of the stimulus package. This has brought to light quite a few other offensive cartoons published by newspapers recently and a renewed call for apologies:

The New York Times ran a cartoon depicting Secretary of the Treasury Tim Geithner dressed head-to-toe in leather, holding a banana and requesting that the United States bend over.

The Baltimore Sun ran a cartoon depicting Federal Reserve Chairman Ben Bernanke wearing a blindfold, sticking one finger up his nose, and using the other to throw darts at potential economic projections.

The Cleveland Plane Dealer ran a cartoon depicting Hillary flashing her chest at Chinese government officials and screaming, “TAKE ME NOW!”

The Houston Chronicle ran a cartoon depicting Joe Biden without his spray-on hair.

The Miami Herald ran a cartoon depicting the Octo-Mom as a beached whale that had just been hit by a flaming semi truck and was crapping cabbage patch kids on Angelina Jolie’s lawn.

The Washington Post ran a cartoon depicting Ted Kennedy’s head with the top part removed and an ice cream scooper stuck in his brain.

The Los Angeles Times ran a cartoon depicting Abraham Lincoln watching CNN and throwing up in his hat.

Beer with Obama

In honor of Sean Hannity and Barack Obama promising to go out for a beer together, here are a few beer brands we’d like to suggest:

Stimulus Beer – It won’t get you very drunk, it takes a long time to actually buy it, but at least it’s extremely expensive.

Fairness Lager – Nobody really wants it, it tastes like donkey urine, but if we didn’t put it on the shelf next to the good stuff, it would be totally unfair.

Cherokee Red Ale – The beer that keeps losing its choice spot on the supermarket shelf

Hippy Ale – You can hide your weed in the hidden compartment in the bottle. But dude, we forgot to put the beer in.

Asian Ale – Americans will buy it because they are fat and stupid.

Arab Ale Plus – It won’t explode until you’re in a crowd.

Indian Ale – It’s the same thing as Miller Lite, we just didn’t change the label.

Mexican Cerveza – It’s cheap. It does the job of getting you drunk a lot faster. It’s somehow making its way onto your supermarket shelves without us actively stocking it.

Global Warming Beer – It’s real, dammit. Don’t you see the big, colorful label that says it’s real?! There’s really beer in there. Really. Don’t open the bottle and check. Just trust us.

Stuff in the Stimulus

Republicans have their hands full trying to convince the rest of congress to cut the pork from President Obama’s Stimulus bill. Here are a few of the things they’d like to see removed:

• Government-subsidized leather chaps for pre-teens
• The purchase of 5,000 gas-electric hybrid garbage rotisseries
• A legal defense fund for the guy who ripped off the AP to paint that red, white and blue Obama picture
• Two billion green pixie sticks to be air-dropped into Uganda as requested by the Ugandan government
• A solid bronze statue of Richard Simmons in the Senate chamber
• Preliminary script approval for Will Smith in order to secure his leading role in the Obama movie
• Armored Cadillac SUV limousines for every government official as long as they are hybrids
• A federally mandated switch from Rice Chex to Wheat Chex
• Unlimited-range shock collars for Republican senators and two remote controls – one for Nancy and one for Barack
• A 20,000 square foot swimming pool at the White House filled completely with rice pilaf

Failed Super Bowl Ads

Super Bowl Ads were mostly disappointing this year, with many advertisers backing down from their original plans to air mediocre material.
So, what were the original plans?

Bud Light Meeting – The original plan was not to throw the young man out the window for suggesting that they not spend money on Bud Light at meetings. Instead, it was to kill him and eat him. The original tag was “Bud Light – Good with Kevin.”

Angels and Demons – The sequel to The Da Vinci Code was originally to have been about Tom Hanks’ hairline receding to reveal a treasure map. Instead, they decided to write some crap about the Vatican.

Audi – The Chase – The original script had the actor buckling his kids in the back of Audi’s black four-door sedan and yelling at them to shut up as he took them to the grocery store.

Pepsi – Bob Dylan and will.i.am – Originally, Bob Dylan was to kick will.i.am in the nuts, then hand him a Pepsi and share a hug. Instead of hurting will.i.am, Pepsi elected to hurt us.

Toyota – Are you Venza? – Toyota’s original plan was not to air this ad. Nobody will ever, ever be ‘Venza.’

Bridgestone – Mr. Potatohead – The original plan for this exhibition of domestic violence was to have Mr. Potatohead beat all the parts off of his wife, apologize, then have make-up sex in the back seat of the car. This was scrapped when Bridgestone realized the car was a two-seater.

Pedigree – Crazy Pets – Pedigree’s first take of this ad didn’t feature a rhino or an ostrich – it featured Indonesian slave labor as pets. Plans changed when the Indonesians helped produce the commercial and cut costs enough that Pedigree kept them for themselves.

Budweiser – Clydesdale – Budweiser’s original plan was to air a series of hilarious ads about the antics of a young bachelor who discovers that alcohol makes us do funny things. Instead, they gave us a digital pile of horse fop.

Hyundai Genesis – This ad showed CEOs of BMW and Lexus hopping mad that the Genesis won car of the year. The original plan was to show GM’s CEO trying to buy 2 million of Hyundai’s sedans and glue Chevy emblems on them.

SoBe Lifewater – Lizards – The lizard was originally to grab a copy of “A Tale of Two Cities” and begin reading while providing insightful… Nope. They actually planned this crap from the get-go.

Obama and Spider Man Team Up

Barack Obama shows up in the most recent issue of Spider Man.
We found out what happens…

• Peter Parker gets downsized from his photographer job. Obama recommends replacing him with Skip James, a very important guy who once held a camera, but apparently took a lot of pictures with cut-off heads.
• Obama explains how Spider Man’s taxes will help pay for the Green Goblin’s medical bills after that nasty 40-story fall.
• Doctor Octopus is put out of commission by Obama, who forces him to provide equal villainy to all working class people. He instead elects to retire.
• Actually, Barack was dropping in on the comic to ask Spidey to sing a duo with Aretha at the Inauguration.
• Obama shows up Spider Man because, sure, Spidey can produce tons of sticky webbing, but Obama can produce clean coal from nothing.
• There’s a riveting scene where Spider Man beats the crap out of The Kingpin while Obama gestures with that sideways open-palm thing he does.
• Venom takes a break from throwing Spider Man through a window to look at Obama and shout, “For cryin’ out loud, pick a dog already, dork!”
• Obama actually decided to appear in a comic book because he heard the artists always draw everyone with really big breasts. He was curious how he would look with a set of “Bodacious Ta-Tas.”
• Apparently, Batman was all booked up, so Barack settled for the less taxable hero. He is watching you though, Mr. Wayne.
• He has now ensured that geeky people with disposable income will look upon his now large-breasted effigy long after he’s gone.

What’s New at
The Detroit Auto Show

The Ford Taurus: Ford continues to test its theory that people will buy anything named “Taurus” by stealing two million Toyota Camry’s and banging the sides in to give them Mustang-like side scoops.

Buick Lacrosse: Buick continues to try and woo its core American audience by taking an unexciting car and naming it after a sport that nobody plays. Look for this car to hold fast in its position on the car lot, where it probably won’t get sold.

Chevy Equinox: Chevy’s finally figured out that people have no clue what they want. Do they want an economy car or an SUV? A gas hog or a hybrid? A gawdy, overstated beast of a truck or a mild station wagon? Do they want the Earth as close to the sun as possible or as far away? Chevy has no idea, so the Equinox doesn’t really commit to doing any one of those things.

Cadillac SRX: Cadillac claims it’s “smaller, more agile and sophisticated.” That’s ok. There’s still plenty of room for them 22 inch rims and all the blingety-bling-bling, nudge nudge wink wink.

Shelby GT500: The Endive will briefly cease operations while I go out and mortgage my house to buy one. We shall return later.

Mercedes-Benz McLaren SLR Stirling Moss: They’re only making 75 of them. They cost $1 million a piece. There’s no top, and the name is so long it doesn’t fit on the back of the car. Why? To prove once and for all that rich people are stupid.

BMW Z4: Once again, BMW brings you a 300 horsepower phallus. This one is able to undo its circumcision with a retractable hardtop. The Germans have succeeded where Levitra has failed in providing hope to the meagerly endowed. Just don’t crash it into the rear of another Z4. People will gossip.

Caroline’s Time!

Caroline Kennedy believes that she is the most qualified person to fill Hillary Clinton’s vacant senate seat. What are the qualifications she’s touting?

• That’s K-E-N-N-E-D-Y, Caroline KENNEDY.
• Made two presidential endorsements. One was Uncle Ted. The other…
• JFK changed her diaper, imbuing her with the spirit of JFKness.
• Did I mention, KENNEDY?
• Guaranteed additional tabloid coverage.
• Could New York do any worse than it’s done already?
• By the way, she is a Kennedy.
• You know? Kennedy.
• Speaks fluent Kennedy.
• Once Kennedyed a Kennedy right in the Kennedy.
• Not that girl from MTV. That’s another Kennedy that nobody likes.

Polaroid Bankrupt!

Polaroid has filed for Chapter 11 Bankruptcy. Here are some of our favorite Polaroid memories.

• I want my picture now! Keep shaking it, dammit!
• Huh? I have to buy flash cubes, too?! Come on!
• Don’t bend it… don’t cut it… don’t breath on it… don’t leave it out… aw, you messed it up!
• Wow, it looks just like me if I was washed out and yellow!
• Polaroid? Yeah, I had one until I got some de-magnetizing Preparation H.
• Stupid kid took a picture of my feet! Now we only have nine pictures left to document our whole vacation!
• No more Polaroid? What next? No more 110?

Acorn Shortage!

A noticeable lack of acorns on the east coast has people concerned. Why is this happening?

• Acorns are all too busy registering dead people and illegal immigrants to vote.
• Foolish squirrels did not listen to Al Gore’s warnings. The Global Acorn Warming was real! Why didn’t they listen?!
• Fat-assed squirrels scarfed ‘em all up THAT fast.
• In order to cut costs, Ford Motor Company has replaced all steel in its vehicle frames with acorn.
• Dude had gum on his shoe and they all stuck to it. It’s possible. He had big feet and it was lots of gum. Shut up.
• Don’t you have anything better to do?! Go save a puppy or something. Acorns? Sheesh.
• Squirrels are building an Acorn sculpture of Barak Obama, savior of the world! It looks just like him, if he were made out of acorns and sculpted by squirrels.
• Ok, people. It’s really simple. Public works has these things called “street sweepers.” They tend to pick up acorns. They sometimes flatten out the squirrels, too.
• It’s all just to teach us a lesson. Cherish your acorns. Cherish them, for tomorrow you may have no acorns.
• Neighborhood kids crammed them all into Mr. McStevens’ tailpipe.

Mickey Mouse Turns 80
How did Mickey Mouse mark his 80^th birthday?

• Fresh colostomy bag.
• Admitting that the real Mickey Mouse died in a car accident in 1966, as hinted when you play “It’s a Small World” backwards.
• Going to DisneyWorld, buying mouse ears with his name embroidered on them.
• Televised hip replacement.
• Slapping Minnie on the ass and requesting that the bitch bring him a sandwich.
• Collecting name, address, phone number and vital statistics from world’s population.
• Eating something really soft.
• Hiring taxidermist to touch up Pluto.
• Excreting something really soft.
• Filing suit against Barack Obama for stealing trademark ears.

Beer Brands We’d Like to See

Black Panther Lager
The beer so dark, it’ll f**k you up.

Cherokee Red Ale
The beer that keeps losing its choice spot on the supermarket shelf.

Hippy Ale
You can hide your weed in the hidden compartment in the bottle.
But dude, we forgot to put the beer in.

Asian Ale
Americans will buy it because they are fat and stupid.

Arab Ale Plus
It won’t explode until you’re in a crowd.

Indian Ale
It’s the same thing as Miller Lite, we just didn’t change the label.

Mexican Ale
It’s cheap. It does the job of getting you drunk a lot faster.
It’s somehow making its way onto your supermarket shelves without us actively stocking it.

Global Warming Beer
It’s real, dammit. Don’t you see the big, colorful label that says it’s real?! There’s really beer in there. Really. Don’t open the bottle and check. Just trust us.

Midget Beer
We produce it in the same tree where we make cookies, using hops that grows next to our pot o’ gold.