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9/6/10
Headline: Obama hunts ways to spark economy
Riff: He should try resigning.
Headline: Police ask for help in dead spy case
Riff: Police: Anybody missing a spy?
Headline: Airline chief says nix co-pilot, save $$
Riff: Rest of world says, 'Dude, really?'
Headline: Are saggy pants indecent?
Riff: Yes, especially if their being weighed down by urine.
Headline: Princess Di lookalike models bra
Riff: Poor taste would be modeling a steering wheel.
Headline: Kanye on Twitter: 'I'm sorry Taylor'
Riff: Whoa, Kanye, Imma let you finish, but... Aw forget it.
Headline: World's Shortest Man Found in Colombia
Riff: Hopefully they won't lose him under a stack of magazines again.
Headline: How Apple plays the pricing game
Riff: Um, take what it's worth and multiply it by 7?
Headline: Nursing homes focus on turning a profit
Riff: Old people soon to be available on pay-per-view basis.
9/5/10
Headline: Steven Slater, JetBlue part ways
Riff: Guitar Center is always looking for people who mouth off at customers.
Headline: U.S., South Korea delay joint exercises
Riff: They couldn't come to terms on chipping in for the weed.
Headline: Earl lashes Canada after skirting U.S.
Riff: The U.N. should step in and condemn Earl's actions.
Headline: Osteoporosis drugs linked to cancer?
Riff: More from the 'Panel on Making Life Suck.'
Headline: Lohan, ShamWow guy team up
Riff: ShamWow should soak up anything that seeps out of her.
Headline: DioGuardi leaves 'American Idol'
Riff: I hear the lighting guy hasn't quit yet.
Headline: 'Alive' Survivors to Chile Miners: Be Strong
Riff: ...and eat the fat ones first.
Headline: Endangered or Not, Wolf Killings Set to Expand
Riff: Run, Blitzer, run!
Headline: McCain: Obama Ignoring Border Threat to U.S.
Riff: If McCain had figured that out two years ago, we wouldn't be dealing with this crap.
9/3/10
Headline: Earl's winds at 85 mph
Riff: That must've been one powerful burrito Earl had for lunch.
Headline: Detained scientist linked to plague
Riff: He's the guy behind Silly Bands?
Headline: Scientists: UV rays make water in space
Riff: Actually, a cosmonaut peed in space and blamed it on UV rays.
Headline: 25 drug suspects die in shootout
Riff: That saves a lot of paperwork.
Headline: Mistrial threatens sham marriage trial
Riff: A participant in a sham marriage should have the right to a sham trial.
Headline: Kia models under fire recall
Riff: Who knew a car powered by a gerbil on a wheel could catch fire?
Headline: Beer chills 200 years under the sea
Riff: Cortez will be pissed when he sees someone messing with his stash.
Headline: No drug test for Paris Hilton?
Riff: They'll be testing drugs for traces of Paris Hilton.
Headline: Lebanon Readies Itself for Hariri Tribunal
Riff: Hariri's fans, the "Hariri's Re-Res" came in a short bus.
9/2/10
Headline: Burger King sold for $4B
Riff: All together, now... Want fries with that?
Headline: BP to try again to remove well cap
Riff: Just push down and turn, morons.
Headline: Ferrari recalls 'supercar'
Riff: Hopefully they have something else to loan people to make their penises look bigger until the cars are fixed.
Headline: Male prostitution ring uncovered
Riff: It was grossing more than $6.50 per year.
Headline: Paris still welcome at the Hilton
Riff: They even made an indentation underneath the mattress for her.
Headline: Celebrating 9/02/10 in 90210!
Riff: Do that OR get a life. Your call.
Headline: Poll: Minn. Voters Don't Want Pawlenty President
Riff: The state who elected Jesse Ventura and Stuart Smalley really shouldn't get to vote anymore.
Headline: Aide to U.K. PM linked to royal phone taps
Riff: What was he after? Hours of taped discussion about what outfit to wear?
Headline: On anniversary of death, ad shows Diana in undies
Riff: The scandalous part is that they were Burt Reynolds' undies.
9/1/10
Headline: Miners send new video to relatives
Riff: Video shows them crying and begging us to leave Brittany alone.
Headline: U.S. hands over power in Iraq
Riff: To who? Iran?
Headline: Obama a Clinton -- or Carter?
Riff: Nope. He's a Marx.
Headline: Police raid home of L'Oreal heiress
Riff: It was the most vibrant and glare-free raid ever.
Headline: Actress denies 'sham marriage'
Riff: Actress: I love whathisname.
Headline: VA Spends Millions on Vacant Buildings
Riff: That's okay. We spend millions on vacant congressmen.
Headline: Yemeni Terror Suspects Freed Without Charge
Riff: Give me a car battery and some jumper cables and I'll fix that.
Headline: Despite Mexico Violence, Tourism Booming?
Riff: As long as there's tequila and weed, Mexico will have tourists.
Headline: Gov't Agents Descend on Iowa Egg Farms Again
Riff: This is just a pretense for petting the horsies.
8/31/10
Headline: Iraq combat mission ending
Riff: ...depending on your definition of 'combat.'
Headline: Egg farm had 8-foot manure pile
Riff: So that's where brown eggs come from!
Headline: Guard troops sent to Arizona border
Riff: It's about time someone stopped all those people sneaking in from Utah.
Headline: The truth about 12 health myths
Riff: Number 1: Your bunion can't predict s**t.
Headline: Tiger jumps 12-foot zoo fence
Riff: There must've been a hot chick on the other side.
Headline: Scientists Baffled by 'Bootprint' on Mars
Riff: Two words. Chuck Norris.
Headline: Mexico: Top Drug Lord 'La Barbie' Nabbed
Riff: Let's put another shrimp on him.
Headline: Poll: Opinionated Are Less Happy With Obama
Riff: Non-opinionated people are less happy, too. They just didn't answer the poll.
Headline: End-of-summer auto deals screech to a halt
Riff: That's how it's done, Toyota.
8/30/10
Headline: 3,200 Mexican federal police fired
Riff: They're probably already here.
Headline: Rescue shaft for miners to begin soon
Riff: They need to wine and dine the mountain before the drillin' starts.
Headline: Opinion: Obama can bounce back
Riff: He can bounce checks, too.
Headline: Do alcohol drinkers live longer?
Riff: It's a good time to buy stock in Anheuser Busch.
Headline: Simon blamed for Ellen leaving 'Idol'
Riff: Simon Cowell alienated someone? Really?
Headline: N. Korea's Kim Jong Il Takes Secret Trip to China
Riff: They were having a seminar on oppressing people.
Headline: Debts Force Gov'ts to Abandon Public Hospitals
Riff: You mean the same government that wants to run health care?
Headline: Chilean miner proposes from underground
Riff: Hope she has a long finger.
Headline: Internet may kill printed Oxford Dictionary
Riff: Internet seen in rocking chair with shotgun, ready to protect its property.
8/29/10
Headline: Sharpton: Dream not achieved
Riff: Sharpton: I still do not have an entire palace made of gummy bears.
Headline: Sheriff challenges document request
Riff: Sheriff: You may not see my Nintendo fun card.
Headline: Hard times mean fewer babies
Riff: Which really hurts the black market for organs.
Headline: Facebook tries to own 'face'
Riff: If that works, I think we'll buy 'end.'
Headline: Fed to Take Action if Economy Worsens
Riff: Um, it worsened a long time ago.
Headline: 69 Vehicles Crash in Phoenix Storm
Riff: Hehehe. 69.
Headline: No Housing Crisis on Obama Vacation
Riff: Which of his 500 vacations are you referring to?
Headline: U.S. to Halt Some Illegal Immigrant Deportations
Riff: Only long enough to get someone to mow Martha's Vineyard.
Headline: Hurricane Earl barrels towards Caribbean
Riff: I wasn't exactly expecting it to saunter.
8/27/10
Headline: Carter gets American out of N. Korea
Riff: They were willing to do anything just to make Jimmy leave.
Headline: Hurricane Danielle strengthens
Riff: For a hurricane that's nowhere near land, it sure has a great PR team.
Headline: Mexico's other trafficking business
Riff: Cactuses, sand or Volkswagon Beetles?
Headline: Tiger cub found in suitcase at airport
Riff: Airport: There's a $250 fee for any wild game kept in a carry-on.
Headline: Book calls teens 'mutant' Christians
Riff: Kind of like John the Baptist when he found out he could teleport?
Headline: Fire or tornado? You make the call
Riff: Who cares. Run!
Headline: Cartels Recruit at Arizona Bars
Riff: At least someone's hiring.
Headline: Egg Farm Owners to Sit in Washington Hot Seat
Riff: This won't be over easy, but in the end, the sunny side will be up.
Headline: Levi Johnston sorry he said 'sorry' to Sarah Palin
Riff: We're all sorry that he's sorry for saying sorry. Sorry.
8/26/10
Headline: Two egg brands added to recall list
Riff: That would be Dow and BP.
Headline: Mexico pres. speaks (Spanish)
Riff: Spanish? Really? Imagine that.
Headline: Minivan slams into beauty shop
Riff: Beauty, meet beast.
Headline: Docs' beliefs affect end-of-life care
Riff: I would avoid any doctor who belongs the Heaven's Gate cult.
Headline: John Travolta and wife expecting a boy
Riff: It's about time we ushered in a new generation of Sweat Hogs.
Headline: Carter in N. Korea to Free American
Riff: Most Americans prefer jail in North Korea to a plane ride with Jimmy Carter.
Headline: Kim Jong Il Reportedly Visits China
Riff: He was trying to avoid Jimmy Carter.
Headline: Restaurants Scramble After Huge Egg Recall
Riff: Sausage McMuffin: At last, McMuffin superiority is MINE!!!
Headline: Swollen rivers force Pakistanis to use zip line
Riff: If it gets worse, they may resort to bungee jumping.
8/25/10
Headline: 'Red alert' issued for Colombian volcano
Riff: Klingons were sighted off the Colombian volcano's starboard bow.
Headline: 72 bodies found on a ranch in Mexico
Riff: Mexican Authorities: Oops, that wasn't a ranch. It was a graveyard. Our bad.
Headline: NYC's Bloomberg: We are all Muslims
Riff: Then let's all head to the Dome of the Rock and see if they let us in.
Headline: Iran Successfully Tests Short-Range Missiles
Riff: Iran's wife said to be awfully disappointed.
Headline: Bloomberg: 'Fighting Terror' With Mosque
Riff: It's official. He's lost it.
Headline: U.S.: Bin Laden Son-in-Law Key Terror Leader
Riff: U.S.: We will bring Skippy Bin Laden to justice.
Headline: Feds Target Egg Mogul in Salmonella Outbreak
Riff: Hehehe. Egg mogul.
Headline: Carter lands in N. Korea, aims to free American
Riff: He brought peanuts and his own dumb ass.
Headline: Top golfer oversleeps, is disqualified
Riff: Now he knows how people who watch golf feel.
8/24/10
Headline: Shirley Sherrod says 'no' to new job
Riff: I'd offer her a job at The Endive, but I just didn't feel like doing everything I could to help her out.
Headline: Congress investigates tainted eggs
Riff: It's about time they investigated Pelosi.
Headline: 380,000 pounds of deli meat recalled
Riff: Apparently we really do not like green eggs and ham.
Headline: Poll bad news for 'Jersey Shore'
Riff: The latest STD vaccine just isn't that effective?
Headline: 60-Mile Traffic Jam in China May Last Weeks
Riff: Hmm, is the left lane movie a little faster? Maybe I'll get over next Wednesday.
Headline: Judge Rules Against Obama Stem Cell Policy
Riff: He's trying to create thousands of Obama clones using his own stem cells.
Headline: RFK Jr.'s Wife Faces Impaired-Driving Charge
Riff: It's part of her Kennedy marriage contract.
Headline: Coming soon in Japan ... a noisier Prius
Riff: It now broadcasts whiny nerd sounds.
Headline: Man, shot in head, notices five years later
Riff: After he became Vice President.
8/23/10
Headline: Hunting dry ground
Riff: Try wearing desert camouflage, sling a large rifle and aim low.
Headline: WikiLeaks founder: I was targeted
Riff: It's going to take a while to go through the list of people he pissed off.
Headline: First ladies unite for cause
Riff: What cause? Showing up and waving at people?
Headline: Workplace violence difficult to predict
Riff: Another brilliant article from the Council of DUH.
Headline: Michael Jackson's doc returns to court
Riff: Hopefully nobody passes out in the courtroom. He might put 'em down.
Headline: Lou Piniella retiring from baseball
Riff: I hope he taught someone else how to kick dirt on umpires.
Headline: Sell queen's swans, Briton suggests
Riff: I'll give ten bucks minus the cost of barbecue sauce.
Headline: Schools to kids: Bring toilet paper
Riff: I think the schools are trying to say they won't take any more s**t from their students.
Headline: The resurgence of Bill Clinton
Riff: He discovered Viagra?
8/22/10
Headline: Protesters rally over NY Islamic center
Riff: You mean the MOSQUE? Because it also happens to be a MOSQUE, CNN.
Headline: Iran unveils bombing drone
Riff: Putin showed them how to fold paper airplanes.
Headline: 'Nerd' candidate gets boost
Riff: Someone boosted his underwear in between his butt cheeks.
Headline: Muslim woman sues Disneyland
Riff: Officials at Disneyland insist that Ahmahmoudamehadakbar just wouldn't fit on the mouse ear hat.
Headline: Turning Federal Charges Into a Living
Riff: The story of Bill Clinton.
Headline: Will Al Shabab Attack U.S.?
Riff: No, but he might put the bop in the bopshoobop or the sham in the shamalamadingdong.
Headline: Japanese Mayor Defends Dolphin Hunts
Riff: Japanese Mayor: Those dolphins had lasers!
Headline: WikiLeaks: Pentagon Behind Rape Claim
Riff: That tidbit was leaked on WikiNuts.
Headline: Credit card rules will help consumers, but ...
Riff: But what?! Huh?! What?!
8/18/10
Headline: BP to stop handling Gulf claims
Riff: BP to also stop handling Gulf clams.
Headline: Heidi Montag's surgeon dies in crash
Riff: He say her true face and could not continue living.
Headline: Higher taxes for wealthy?
Riff: Um, that's what we have now.
Headline: Bees trap deputy inside car for 3 hours
Riff: Deputy: I hope I don't end up on CNN for this.
Headline: Snooki a no-show for court?
Riff: Well, at least the court had fewer communicable diseases that day.
Headline: Feel old? Wait till you read this ...
Riff: You've got hemorrhoids.
Headline: Group: Fed testing of Gulf seafood flawed
Riff: They forgot to de-crap the shrimp.
Headline: 1 in 5 U.S. teens has hearing loss, study says
Riff: What?
Headline: Mind-controlling parasites go back millions of years
Riff: The Democrats haven't been around THAT long.
8/17/10
Headline: Plumes of oil spread on Gulf floor
Riff: BP's new non-stick Gulf floor is totally barnacle free!
Headline: Teen sex doesn't always hurt grades
Riff: ...unless it's with the teacher and the teacher gets crabs.
Headline: Tila Tequila wants to end juggalos fest
Riff: She thinks they copied her makeup.
Headline: Katie Holmes on 'weird' marriage
Riff: Holmes: Goose was taken so I married Maverick instead.
Headline: Pirate Party takes root in Oregon
Riff: Um, shouldn't that be Arrrrrregon? Get with the program, CNN.
Headline: 'Dora the Explorer' turns 10
Riff: That's it for her work visa.
Headline: U.S. to Toughen Scrutiny of Deepwater Drilling
Riff: Next time, we want an HD webcam on the leak.
Headline: Is Russia vs. Connecticut New 'Cold War'?
Riff: I'd say tepid at best.
Headline: Obama mosque remarks overshadow campaign trail
Riff: Obama could fart in a bucket and overshadow the campaign trail.
8/16/10
Headline: Is China No. 2 economy?
Riff: Yes, it is a poop-based economy.
Headline: McCain under fire for letter
Riff: It was a fan letter to Justin Bieber.
Headline: Peter King: Jets relish new role
Riff: Mmm. Relish.
Headline: Sylvester Stallone is back
Riff: The embalmers did a superb job.
Headline: Katie still starstruck by Tom
Riff: I wonder how many couches they've been through.
Headline: Economy Remains Top Priority for Voters
Riff: Now if only the candidates could figure that out...
Headline: 15 Cops Suspended Over India Shoe-Throwing
Riff: Whoever invents the boomerang shoe will be a billionaire in India.
Headline: Tea Partiers Take Over Stretch of Border
Riff: Now that's what I call activism, baby!
Headline: Scientists ditch technology to study the brain
Riff: Instead they're studying the brain with a fork.
8/15/10
Headline: Obama adds to mosque comments
Riff: Obama: I likes mosques, butter and Dial soap.
Headline: South Korea pushes reunification tax
Riff: S. Korea: Clamp the leads on my nipples and turn on the voltage, please!
Headline: 'Job not finished' in Gulf, Obama says
Riff: Obama: They have yet to erect a statue in my honor.
Headline: Obama, daughter swim in Gulf
Riff: Slick.
Headline: Bear freed after getting head stuck in jar
Riff: Now it can go back to s**ting in the woods.
Headline: PGA Championship: What didn't happen
Riff: Excitement.
Headline: Not Exactly 'Oil' Left in Gulf
Riff: There's a poop, too.
Headline: Navy Accused of Anti-Gay Slurs
Riff: All they said was "Seamen come on deck."
Headline: More Americans Seek Medical Care Online
Riff: That would explain all the hits at bypasssurgery.com
8/13/10
Headline: Rep. Waters makes her case
Riff: Waters: I am sassy and therefore you must listen to me.
Headline: Castro back in spotlight for birthday
Riff: Castro: Sing to me now or be incarcerated! NOW!
Headline: Gadgets that help you be good
Riff: A mousetrap hidden in her cleavage will help.
Headline: Kids drink on trip; parents sue
Riff: Suing is now officially easier than parenting.
Headline: No more pelting Obama at carnival
Riff: We'll have to pelt him at the White House instead. BYO pie.
Headline: Census Bureau Spends $23G on Totem Pole
Riff: They had some money left over and really wanted a Totem Pole.
Headline: 10K Set Human Domino Record
Riff: Actually, somebody tripped in California's unemployment line.
Headline: Officials to Decide If BP Well Is Plugged for Good
Riff: If it is, they can get started on plugging Snookie.
Headline: Body of French Chef Found Stuffed in Freezer
Riff: Ooh, that's cold.
8/12/10
Headline: Bomb damages Colombia radio station
Riff: WCOL, where you get soothed by the easy listening sounds of... BOOOM!!!!!
Headline: 'Raining oil' for miles in Louisiana
Riff: Sounds like the alien ship from the plant Pompadore broke up during re-entry.
Headline: Rangel dances for celebs on his 80th
Riff: The picture of him dancing around a pole will scar you forever.
Headline: These the droids you're looking for?
Riff: Nope. You can go about your business. Move along.
Headline: George Michael in trouble
Riff: He left someone hanging on like a yo-yo.
Headline: J.Lo out as 'American Idol' judge
Riff: No one was more qualified than her to evaluate butts.
Headline: Clinton Approves of Imam's Mideast Trip
Riff: Clinton: Say hi to all my pals when you get there!
Headline: Cops: Mets Pitcher Hit Father-in-Law After Game
Riff: That's been a post-game tradition in New York for 90 years.
Headline: Key terrorist or just a janitor?
Riff: The story of Joe Biden.
8/11/10
Headline: WWE chief faces harsh attacks
Riff: ...with a steel chair!
Headline: More oily Gulf sea turtles found
Riff: Add some Italian seasoning and boil for 45 minutes or until tender.
Headline: Meter money goes to homeless
Riff: How about if they just give it straight to the liquor store?
Headline: Surprising reasons women stay fat
Riff: None of which you can ask them about without getting slapped.
Headline: Netflix gets more streaming rights
Riff: Pretty soon they'll be able to pee anywhere.
Headline: Racy Kardashian-Bieber pics irk fans
Riff: Only because they thought Bieber was a misspelling.
Headline: Tropical Depression Halts Drilling at Gulf Well
Riff: Perhaps they should try some tropical Prozac and get back to work.
Headline: Saudi Mecca Clock' Aims to Dwarf Big Ben
Riff: If this doesn't confirm suspicions that Saudis have small penises, nothing will.
Headline: No cell phone? You might be a power broker
Riff: Or an idiot.
8/10/10
Headline: Convict, fiancee won't 'go down lightly'
Riff: There's a mental image I didn't need.
Headline: Waters: 'I will not be a sacrificial lamb'
Riff: Okay, be roadkill then.
Headline: Levi now running for mayor
Riff: Mayor McCheese might have to come out of retirement to kick his ass.
Headline: First lady gets heat for Spain trip
Riff: Might I suggest some topical cream?
Headline: Thousands of dead fish wash up
Riff: Let that be a lesson. Farting in the water is bad.
Headline: Productivity Up for First Time Since '09
Riff: That must be when they started writing this article.
Headline: Family Reunites 3 Decades After 'Deaths'
Riff: Family to media: BRAIIIINSSSS!!!!
Headline: Container Ship Tips Into Sea in India
Riff: Did they try turning the ship off and then back on again?
Headline: 39,000 Spill Claims in Limbo, BP Defers to Feds
Riff: Instead of riffing this headline, I defer to the Feds.
8/9/10
Headline: N. Korea fires 100 rounds in Yellow Sea
Riff: It was the Blue Sea before Kim Jong Il made everyone around it piss their pants.
Headline: iPhone on Verizon in January
Riff: ...and there was much rejoicing!
Headline: Massive ice island floats away
Riff: Superman seen running after it, shouting 'Help! I left my fortress in Neutral!'
Headline: Oil rig explosion built at Lego fair
Riff: Someone else built a Lego Obama to claim he fixed it.
Headline: Jennifer Aniston hopes to be a mom
Riff: I know quite a few people who are willing to help with that.
Headline: Rod Stewart ready for baby #7
Riff: They don't call him 'Rod' Stewart for nuthin'.
Headline: Passenger Booted for Trying to Do Good
Riff: It was a stewardess named Jennifer Good.
Headline: The Town That Rose From Its Asses
Riff: San Francisco?
Headline: Fewer U.S. homeowners in 'underwater mortgages'
Riff: That's because they got foreclosed on.
8/8/10
Headline: S. Korea names new prime minister
Riff: He must have lost a bet.
Headline: U.S. hands over Iraq combat operations
Riff: ...to the first sucker who walks by the embassy.
Headline: 70 involved in D.C. subway brawl
Riff: The Metro has officially eclipsed the New York Subway.
Headline: 200,000 geese could be euthanized
Riff: Couldn't that feed Ethiopia?
Headline: Man held city passwords hostage
Riff: How much money can you get for 2,000 copies of '12345?'
Headline: Hefner: 'Women are sex objects'
Riff: I am overwhelmed with shock.
Headline: Michelle Obama Lunches With King in Spain
Riff: King chastises her for using 'lunch' as a verb.
Headline: Michelle, Sasha Obama Hit the Beach
Riff: Wasn't she supposed to be lunching with King in Spain?
Headline: S. Korean fishing vessel held by North
Riff: Vessel is reportedly carrying S. Korea's testicles.
8/6/10
Headline: Who can see your smartphone data?
Riff: Probably that creepy dude standing behind you.
Headline: How John Goodman lost 100 lbs.
Riff: He took a dump?
Headline: Kagan to Celebrate with Obama, Take Oath Sat.
Riff: Doesn't celebrating with the President undermine the whole "Checks and Balances" thing?
Headline: Saddam VP: Obama 'Leaving Iraq to the Wolves'
Riff: No, he's leaving it to the rabid weasels.
Headline: Poll: Arab World Disappointed With Obama
Riff: At last, something we have in common with the Arab world!
Headline: Saudi BlackBerry Service Blocked, Users Report
Riff: How did they report?!
Headline: Can Poop-Powered Car 'Blow Away' Electrics?
Riff: Only if somebody gives a s**t.
Headline: Some food good long past 'use by' date
Riff: Ok, you taste it first.
Headline: Mexico baby declared dead revives inside coffin
Riff: Nope. He was just trying to sneak over the border.
8/5/10
Headline: 18 states warned about heat
Riff: Do not let Miami's basketball team near your public restrooms.
Headline: Diet supplements can be risky
Riff: Yeah, but if we stay fat, Michelle Obama will kill us.
Headline: Bristol, Levi's split a publicity stunt?
Riff: Bristol, Levi's lives a publicity stunt.
Headline: 20 rooms in 350 sq. ft. apartment
Riff: Welcome to 'Illegal Immigrant Acres.'
Headline: Massachusetts School District to Allow Pledge
Riff: Thank G-d! The place was getting way too dusty.
Headline: House to Return During Recess
Riff: But Rangel's still on the swing set!
Headline: History of Congress Coming Back During Break
Riff: ...after these messages from our sponsor!
Headline: Sen. Schumer Takes Aim at WikiLeaks
Riff: I guess we'll find out what dirt they have on him soon.
Headline: Obama's backup birthday date: Oprah Winfrey
Riff: Kick his ass, Stedman!
8/4/10
Headline: Beginning of end for oil disaster?
Riff: I think this was the headline when Mel Gibson started going bald.
Headline: Depths of disaster
Riff: AKA the Senate floor.
Headline: Grenade blast near Ahmadinejad
Riff: Somebody needs to work on their aim.
Headline: Genetics test for athletes causes worry
Riff: With advances in genetics, we can put an end to athletes for good.
Headline: Chelsea dances like a star
Riff: That's impressive - it's hard to dance with CNN's lips planted on your ass.
Headline: Obama Turns 49 With Michelle, Kids Out of Town
Riff: I wish my 3rd grade teacher was around to provide him with birthday spankings.
Headline: Atomic Apology? U.S. to Send Japan Delegate
Riff: Are they going to apologize for all the stupid little cars they send us?
Headline: Iran denies reports of Ahmadinejad attack
Riff: Ahmadenijad: It was just gas.
Headline: Toyota erases red ink with a $2.2B profit
Riff: They need to show GM how to make a profit after recalling four million cars.
8/3/10
Headline: '100 worst stimulus projects' named
Riff: That falsely implies that there are 'best stimulus projects.'
Headline: Bionic legs help paralyzed man walk
Riff: None of this impresses Lee Majors.
Headline: McCain blocking Obama pick
Riff: He put on a nose guard.
Headline: Your cell phone is funding wars
Riff: I noticed it was sending texts to Namibia talking smack about South Africa.
Headline: Clerk mentions Jesus, robber flees
Riff: At that point, he knew he was getting nailed.
Headline: Justin Bieber to star in 3-D biopic
Riff: What is there about Justin Bieber that requires a third dimension?
Headline: Va. Cops Warn Residents of Mailbox Bombs
Riff: Somebody ordered Gigli on NetFlix.
Headline: Tokyo's 'Oldest Woman' Is 113 — and Missing
Riff: Did you check the roof of the station wagon?
Headline: 2010: Odyssey to Find Earth-Like Planets
Riff: Apparently we're running out of people to force socialized medicine on.
8/2/10
Headline: Allen 'satisfied' with dispersant use
Riff: He sprayed it on his underarms.
Headline: Hacker: Pair helped WikiLeaks suspect
Riff: If you're going to commit a crime, it helps to have a pair.
Headline: Lindsay Lohan released from jail
Riff: I thought I smelled something.
Headline: Palin says Obama lacks 'cojones'
Riff: No, Sarah, he has them. They're just really, really small.
Headline: Fox News Moves Up Front in WH Briefing Room
Riff: Unfortunately, The Endive didn't get that open seat in the back.
Headline: UAE says BlackBerry ban will affect visitors too
Riff: If you want to get anyone in the UAE locked up, send 'em an email.
Headline: How Pakistan helps the Taliban
Riff: Is this an article or a book?
Headline: Plagiarism lines blur in digital age
Riff: Plagiarism lines blur in digital age - The Endive.
Headline: Newsweek: Why Obama should raise taxes
Riff: The Endive: Why Newsweek should F**k off.
8/1/10
Headline: Report: Excessive use of dispersants
Riff: Unfortunately, nobody was around to hear the report.
Headline: New offshore drilling rules pass House
Riff: We can't have oil anymore. From now on, cars must run on happy thoughts.
Headline: Is the oil vanishing from Gulf?
Riff: I took it. It's in my basement.
Headline: Alarms jolt astronauts awake
Riff: Astronauts hit snooze and deal with it in 15 minutes.
Headline: Another Dem in ethics trouble
Riff: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Ha. ha.
Headline: How to save $1 million by 65
Riff: Marry rich.
Headline: More WikiLeaks to Come?
Riff: Not if WikiPlugs has anything to do with it!
Headline: Immigration at Forefront of 2010 Races?
Riff: Sure, that and Obama's f**king up.
Headline: A case for total nuclear disarmament
Riff: By Mahmoud Ahmadenijad.
7/30/10
Headline: Journal: Home births can be 'harmful'
Riff: Maybe you shouldn't have sat so close.
Headline: Rabbits grow new joints with stem cells
Riff: They could have just used a terrarium and the right seeds.
Headline: DeGeneres exits 'Idol' | J. Lo in?
Riff: Audience out.
Headline: Drew Carey: How I lost 80 pounds
Riff: Skinny Drew? NOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!
Headline: Hayward Defends Spill Response
Riff: Hayward: What did you expect us to do? Clean up all that oil?
Headline: Calcium Supplements May Up Heart Attack Risk
Riff: More from the 'Panel on Scaring the Crap out of you.'
Headline: Arizona appeals immigration ruling — now what?
Riff: Um, the appeal gets processed?
Headline: Another ugly reminder to check Facebook settings
Riff: While you're there, LIKE THE ENDIVE!
Headline: Troops kill senior 'capo' of mighty Mexico cartel
Riff: They whacked the Grand Capooba!
7/29/10
Headline: Obama at Urban League
Riff: Next week, he'll be at the Turban League.
Headline: Woman declared dead seen in Vegas?
Riff: Don't tell me her name is Elvis.
Headline: Chicago School Refuses to Host Karl Rove
Riff: Chicago school mysteriously disappears.
Headline: Mother Nature Helps Cool Calif. Wildfire
Riff: I hope so. She started it.
Headline: Are Some Soaps Damaging Sex Organs?
Riff: No pain, no ocean-fresh gain.
Headline: Obama Skips Out on Scouts for 'The View'
Riff: Tomorrow, he's going to dis the Rotary Club to go on 'Maury Povich.'
Headline: Did Obama Make the Right Call?
Riff: If he didn't resign, the answer is no.
Headline: 82 Hippos, 9 Buffalo Killed in Anthrax Outbreak
Riff: That band has a SERIOUS mosh pit.
Headline: Calls for Rangel to quit could escalate if no deal
Riff: But Rangel still has seven briefcases to open!
7/28/10
Headline: Pentagon has 'main suspect' in leak
Riff: It's usually assumed to be Joe Biden.
Headline: WikiLeaks documents: What we know
Riff: It's important that we be responsible with this sensitive... aw heck, let's blab.
Headline: Iran ready for 'effective cooperation'
Riff: N. Korea: Cool! Let's make some nukes!
Headline: Spain's Catalonia bans bullfighting
Riff: How will bulls resolve disputes now?
Headline: Old bones found in FL recreation area
Riff: Old bones? in Florida? Imagine that.
Headline: Fisherman tapes gator 'feeding frenzy'
Riff: When will people learn to put the camera done and RUN FOR IT?!
Headline: Linda Hogan, 50, engaged to beau, 21
Riff: National Geographic catches rare footage of the cougar with its prey...
Headline: Critic makes living smoking marijuana
Riff: The story of Roger Ebert.
Headline: Asteroid May Hit Earth in 2182, Scientists Warn
Riff: Hopefully it'll be after May. I don't want to miss my 207th birthday.
7/27/10
Headline: BP ousts Tony Hayward
Riff: Now he can focus on trying to cap his toothpaste.
Headline: The disaster you won't see on camera
Riff: Which Obama cabinet meeting are we talking about here?
Headline: Fashion advice from Snooki
Riff: Wear anything that goes good with crabs and the clap.
Headline: U.S., S. Korea Drop Anti-Sub Bombs in Drills
Riff: We all live in a yellow subma... holy crap what was that?!
Headline: Study: Receipts May Be Harmful to Your Health
Riff: More from the Bureau of People Who Want to Scare the Crap out of You.
Headline: U.S. Braces for Wikileaks Blowback
Riff: Perhaps the U.S. and Wikileaks should rent a private room.
Headline: ‘Maybe I'll be doing this when I’m 50,’ Favre says
Riff: Maybe you will, but most of us won't be watching, Bret.
Headline: Why IQ scores vary by nation
Riff: Because some nations are stupid?
Headline: Blago Trial's Final Drama
Riff: That's wishful thinking.
7/26/10
Headline: Foreclosed? Try bankruptcy
Riff: Call Barack. He was supposed to take care of that for you.
Headline: N. Korea threatens nuclear response
Riff: Still happy with those sanctions?
Headline: Pigeons run Kings of Leon from stage
Riff: It's a pheasant uprising in the kingdom of Leon!
Headline: Iran: Nuclear fusion program launched
Riff: Iran: We have also cloned Elvis and landed a ship on Mars.
Headline: Mmmm, scratch & sniff wallpaper
Riff: The snozberries taste like snozberries!
Headline: New car can send its own Tweets
Riff: @car - This yutz is using me to tailgate again.
Headline: Russia's Putin Jumps on Harley at Biker Rally
Riff: Putin: Bring me a bitch and call me Thor, dammit.
Headline: YOU DECIDE: Will Sanctions Work?
Riff: ...like an ejector seat in a helicopter.
Headline: Aides: Possible deal explored in Rangel case
Riff: Rangel may plead guilty to the slightly lesser offense of being a dumb f**k.
7/23/10
Headline: Sherrod gets call from Obama
Riff: Obama: Hi, is this Kim Jong Il? No? Oh, sorry. Bye.
Headline: A cop, tennis and kids
Riff: Three great reasons to put a coozie on that beer.
Headline: Report: $180M paid to dead people
Riff: Zombies gotta eat.
Headline: Report: Northwest Airlines Ignored Safety Orders
Riff: Flagrant disregard for putting tray tables in a full, upright position.
Headline: Darth Vader Robs New York Bank
Riff: I thought I felt a great disturbance in the force.
Headline: Sen. Candidate Greene Defends Military Record
Riff: Greene: Um, uh, I like to color. With crayons.
Headline: Sen. Kerry docks yacht in R.I., saves on taxes
Riff: If you read this headline out loud, it makes you want to smack him even more.
Headline: 'Corpse flower' could stink up Texas wedding
Riff: A little RoundUp goes a long way...
Headline: Cheerleading a Sport? Americans Take Sides
Riff: It can't be a sport. Who would cheer for them?
7/22/10
Headline: Obama signs fraud bill
Riff: That hardly narrows it down. Most of his bills are frauds.
Headline: Hearing on Gibson restraining order
Riff: Let's not allow him within 5,000 feet of America.
Headline: Woman films as buffalo attacks her
Riff: Two words: Dude, run!
Headline: Pet toys going green
Riff: Maybe you should clean them every once in a while.
Headline: Blind carpenter still honing his craft
Riff: We don't have the heart to tell him, but he's just honing a toaster.
Headline: Sanctions = No Bonus Booty for N. Korea
Riff: That's really gonna put a damper on Kim Jong Il's booty call.
Headline: N. Korea Threat: South Will Be 'Sea of Fire'
Riff: How are those sanctions working, Hil?
Headline: Billboard Spotlights Right-to-Die Group
Riff: They think everyone has a right to half a pair of dice.
Headline: Bring back the tax on inherited wealth
Riff: Whoever wrote this headline needs a smack in the face.
7/21/10
Headline: 'Static kill' could begin in 48 hours
Riff: BP has called in the mighty teddy bear of Snuggle Fabric Softener.
Headline: Storm in Caribbean could get serious
Riff: But it will most likely go with XM.
Headline: Obama's empty Wall St. victory
Riff: It's a letdown when you run out of stuff to regulate.
Headline: Loopy Whoopi blames medication
Riff: Loopy Whoopi also peed on my cactus.
Headline: Man flies with 18 monkeys in shirt
Riff: Actually, he just has a lot of chest hair.
Headline: Scientists Discover Most Massive Star
Riff: More massive than Kirsty Alley?
Headline: Obama Signs Wall Street Overhaul
Riff: First he had to have Anakin kill off the whole Jedi council.
Headline: New Black Panther Boss Sang Terror Tune
Riff: He sang 'Mandy?'
Headline: Stone Age Carving or Ancient Sex Toy?
Riff: The story of Hugh Hefner's private parts.
7/20/10
Headline: Jobless may get a break
Riff: Not a job, mind you, just a break.
Headline: 'Bouquet bandit' holds up N.Y bank
Riff: Gimme all your money. I've got flowers and I'm not afraid to use 'em!
Headline: UFOs cause a stir in China
Riff: Wow. Alien whisks.
Headline: Muslims 'Prepare' for U.K. Pope Visit
Riff: Don't bother, Muslims. He's in full Pope Armor.
Headline: Graham Still a Maverick With Kagan Vote
Riff: Let's fill his car with yogurt.
Headline: W. Va. Gov. in Bid for Byrd's Senate Seat
Riff: I hope he realizes it still smells like moth balls.
Headline: Laser Weapon Blasts Spy Drones Out of the Sky
Riff: Dammit, Ken, why did you make that Phase Conjugate Tracking System and Large Spinning Mirror?!
Headline: Is American at Helm of Al Qaeda Magazine?
Riff: He edits the fashion section.
Headline: Facebook hated as much as airlines, cable companies
Riff: But not quite as much as Congress.
7/19/10
Headline: Is the disaster over?
Riff: Nope. Obama's still President.
Headline: Report: Intel team 'unmanageable'
Riff: Just like Lindsay Lohan.
Headline: Who would win with term limits?
Riff: Americans.
Headline: Big fat food fibs parents tell kids
Riff: Try it. You'll like it.
Headline: Planet, comet or both?
Riff: So it's kind of a plomet?
Headline: Spencer Pratt: I chose fame over Heidi
Riff: Rest of World: What was your name again?
Headline: Could Mel Gibson go to jail?
Riff: Better question: Could Mel Gibson make it out of jail?
Headline: British PM: Lockerbie Bomber Release 'Wrong'
Riff: British PM: Pope wears funny hat, bears s**t in woods.
Headline: Obama to GOP: Restore jobless benefits
Riff: Barack just wants something to fall back on when he's jobless in two years.
7/18/10
Headline: Zsa Zsa Gabor breaks hip in fall
Riff: Zsa Zsa Go-boom.
Headline: Feds to Monitor, Report Americans' Obesity
Riff: First report from Feds: Yep, they're fat.
Headline: Rivals Hit Back at Apple for 'Weak Spots' Claims
Riff: Ma Bell: No weak spots on our rotary phones, dammit.
Headline: Feds Nab Alleged Drug Lord After 10-Year Hunt
Riff: They must not have been in Mexico.
Headline: Divers Find 200-Year-Old Champagne in Wreck
Riff: Watch. Some yutz will criticize it.
Headline: U.S. Lawmakers Turn to Faith Leaders
Riff: Because Faith Leaders is a hottie with reasonable rates.
Headline: CIA: Iran Scientist Faces Hostile Future
Riff: Is there any Iranian nuclear scientist who doesn't face a hostile future?!
Headline: Atheists Reportedly 'De-Baptize' With Hair Dryers
Riff: They should try 'De-Circumcising' with a staple gun.
Headline: Woods goes back to old putter at British Open
Riff: Too many jokes. Can't pick one.
7/16/10
Headline: UK: Pan Am bomber release a mistake
Riff: UK: We didn't realize that guy in the prison cell labeled 'Pan Am Bomber' was the Pan Am Bomber.
Headline: Apple to offer iPhone 4 fix?
Riff: Yes, but Steve Jobs has to be smug first.
Headline: Lawyer: 'Barefoot bandit' has remorse
Riff: Yeah, he stole it from your living room.
Headline: Fill-in for Byrd's seat to be named
Riff: Hopefully they made sure Byrd's dead body isn't still trying to work.
Headline: 5 flavors frozen out at Baskin-Robbins
Riff: The BP Chocolate Drizzle didn't go over so well.
Headline: Tiger hits the course
Riff: He heard there were hot chicks there.
Headline: Pink injured in stage accident
Riff: Missed a chance at the best headline ever - Pink: Black and blue.
Headline: Was El Chupacabra Spotted in Texas?
Riff: No, that was Ke$ha.
Headline: Paul the Octopus won’t be sold to Spain
Riff: He's expected to announce that he's going to Miami.
7/15/10
Headline: Obama, Hitler on same billboard
Riff: They both love Rusty's Chicken Shack.
Headline: UN, North Korea talk about ship attack
Riff: UN: Nice shot, Kim.
Headline: Tiny new homes for families in Iraq
Riff: They better not be pink. Little Pink Houses are exclusively American.
Headline: Congress debates Bible, immigration
Riff: The bastards must be working on legislation to send Jews back to Egypt.
Headline: Body shape linked to women's memory
Riff: Bad news, ladies. An Elephant never forgets.
Headline: RFK Jr. wife: Divorce filing, DUI charge
Riff: So steeped in Kennedy tradition...
Headline: Europe: U.S. Relations 'Not Living Up to Potential'
Riff: All of Europe said that? Nice work, Barack.
Headline: 'Barefoot Bandit' Case Hints at Security Gap
Riff: Translation: Barefoot Bandit case highlights gaping security chasm.
Headline: Iran scientist returns home, claims U.S. 'torture'
Riff: We kept pelting him with 100 dollar bills.
7/14/10
Headline: White House: Stimulus saved 3 million jobs
Riff: They are all currently held by illegal immigrants.
Headline: Oil Keeps Gushing as BP Cap Analyzed
Riff: BP Cap to trace its fear of spiders back it abusive mother.
Headline: Gitmo Becomes Playground for Detainees
Riff: Abdul Mullah Ahmad looks so cute on the rocking horse.
Headline: Seattle cartoonist gets death threats
Riff: Yeah, Ziggy pisses me off.
Headline: Bristol Palin, Levi engaged
Riff: The Whole World: Dude, WTF?!
Headline: Kids find missing exotic turtles
Riff: Police found the kids stuffing 20's into their shells hoping for a lap dance.
Headline: How to tell a co-worker they can't type
Riff: Hey, moron. You can't type.
Headline: Neb. Council OKs Ban on Hiring Illegals
Riff: Aren't we already not allowed to do that?
Headline: Iran Says Nuclear Scientist on His Way Home
Riff: Ahmadenijad: We need him back home because something just started glowing.
7/13/10
Headline: Burqa ban moves forward in France
Riff: France is hoping it will be as successful as the ban on soap.
Headline: Iran says missing scientist is in D.C.
Riff: It makes sense that he'd hide out in the only place where science doesn't matter.
Headline: Tough questions for Tiger
Riff: Two trains, A and B, leave Chicago at 3pm...
Headline: Poll: Majority Losing Faith in Obama
Riff: I didn't realize he was a religion.
Headline: Study: Felons May Have Put Franken in Senate
Riff: They just wanted him to be around other felons.
Headline: For recyclers, one (complicated) word: Plastics
Riff: Here's another one: Dipthong.
Headline: Ten signs you work in a fear-based workplace
Riff: Stop reading The Endive and get back to work, slacker!
Headline: Bandit tries to rob Amish buggy
Riff: Black Bart is on the loose! The train's next!
Headline: NRA expands agenda beyond guns
Riff: New agenda to include 'other guns.'
7/12/10
Headline: WH plan called 'backasswards'
Riff: I disagree. In most White House plans, the ass comes first.
Headline: Vote threatens split Church of England
Riff: They can't choose between Jacob and Edward? Sheesh.
Headline: Hef taking Playboy private?
Riff: Most adolescent males do that all the time.
Headline: How to get babies off bottle at 9 months
Riff: You could piss in it, but you'd get in trouble with CPS.
Headline: Does a Depression Loom?
Riff: No, a Depression descends and envelops.
Headline: Mexico Captures Alleged Drug Gang Boss
Riff: No big feat. Anyone walking the streets of Mexico is an alleged drug gang boss.
Headline: For your bucket list: MLB’s must-see players
Riff: Lamest. Bucket list. Ever.
Headline: The 8 lowest-paying jobs in America
Riff: Number 1: Editor of The Endive.
Headline: The do-it-yourself stimulus
Riff: Does this have anything to do with taking Playboy private?
7/11/10
Headline: U.S. urges N. Korea to free American
Riff: That'll get him out. More urging. Nice.
Headline: Biden admits he was wrong
Riff: That hardly narrows it down.
Headline: Doctors help boy with half a face
Riff: Obama would donate his second face, but he still uses it.
Headline: Rare Photos of Fidel Castro Released
Riff: He was trying to surpress those pictures of his disco phase.
Headline: Black Panther Leader Defends Group
Riff: They're friendly militant nutcases!
Headline: 'Grim Sleeper' Slipped Through Cracks?
Riff: Yeah, but enough about him being gay. What about the murders?
Headline: 2 Fighters Responded During Obama Trip
Riff: That must've been some good acid.
Headline: Catholics Upset Over Rosary Beads as Fashion
Riff: They do look kind of funny hanging from a pierced nose.
Headline: Attorney general: Russian spies posed threat to U.S.
Riff: Um, duh.
7/9/10
Headline: CNN dives beneath the Gulf
Riff: Great. Like it needed more pollution.
Headline: U.N. condemns sinking of S. Korea ship
Riff: It took them a while to figure out that it was a bad thing.
Headline: Is Sen. Reid's name politically toxic?
Riff: It's several kinds of toxic.
Headline: 'Barefoot bandit' may be in Bahamas
Riff: Quick... check everyone in the Bahamas with bare feet! Uh oh.
Headline: China: U.S. Uses Facebook to Sow Unrest
Riff: Hey! Chinese people! Start some unrest!
Headline: Queen Elizabeth set to be a great-grandma
Riff: One more in line to poison her to death and usurp the throne!
Headline: Worst job in politics? Governors convene, commiserate
Riff: Don't forget Bill Clinton's dry cleaner.
Headline: Presbyterians Vote to Allow Gay Clergy
Riff: New sect to be called the Pres-bi-terians.
Headline: Yankees reportedly on verge of getting Cliff Lee
Riff: Cliff Lee?! Wow! Holy Crap! Um, who's Cliff Lee?
7/8/10
Headline: Oystermen haul in nets full of death
Riff: Well, at least the sushi restaurants will have fresh food.
Headline: Police: Church $$$ used for escorts
Riff: Church: Next time we'll get Chevy Cavaliers.
Headline: Obama back on the campaign trail
Riff: He draws his power directly from his worshippers.
Headline: Ron Paul ponders politics, 2012 run
Riff: You can tell he's pondering when his head starts bobbling.
Headline: Baby used as decoy in robbery
Riff: Little bastard made off with 27 boxes of Pampers.
Headline: Egypt Discovers 4,300-Year-Old Tombs
Riff: Egypt: Ho-hum. More tombs. Put 'em with the other ones.
Headline: Olé? Oh No! Bulls Gore Two in Spain
Riff: Unsafe? Sure, but way more exciting than the running of the Gerbils.
Headline: 'Glee,' 'The Pacific' lead Emmy nominations
Riff: I can't believe Smackdown got snubbed again!
Headline: New storm heads for Texas-Mexico border
Riff: Obama certainly won't stop it from crossing.
7/7/10
Headline: Noriega gets 7 years in prison in France
Riff: Unless they surrender to him first.
Headline: Feds challenge AZ immigration law
Riff: While they're sorting this out, half of Mexico just moved into Arkansas.
Headline: 'Barefoot bandit' faces indictment
Riff: Later, he'll face some Tinactin.
Headline: Sobbing Lohan gets 90 days in jail
Riff: They must really hate those inmates.
Headline: Levi Johnston says he lied
Riff: Look at me! I got on TV again! I'm so cool!
Headline: No charges in Vick birthday shooting
Riff: As long as no dogs were harmed, everybody's ok with this.
Headline: Is Lady Gaga hotter than Obama?
Riff: Would you like to pierce your eye with a rusty needle or barbed wire?
Headline: UAE Diplomat Endorses U.S. Strike on Iran
Riff: UAE Diplomat: Dibs on their minarets.
Headline: TSA Backs Off Censorship of 'Opinion' Sites
Riff: Hey, TSA! You suck! Whatcha gonna do about it?!
7/6/10
Headline: Show us how you are staying cool
Riff: Covering the Gulf of Mexico in heat absorbent black crude to divert the sun's rays.
Headline: Lindsay Lohan in court
Riff: See the creature in its natural habitat.
Headline: Stamps may go to 46 cents
Riff: Has the post office ever heard of round numbers?!
Headline: NASA's mission to Muslims
Riff: Are we going to shoot them all into space?
Headline: Biden makes bold prediction
Riff: Biden: In two days, I will say something stupid.
Headline: Track star can race again -- as a woman
Riff: IOC: First he needs to get his nuts cut off.
Headline: Authorities Probe Tar Balls Washing Up in Texas
Riff: What's to probe? I think I know where they came from.
Headline: California's Pen$ion Problems
Riff: They're so broke, they can't afford any more of the letter 'S'.
Headline: What to do when the boss hits on you
Riff: Cash in!
7/5/10
Headline: Opposition may get big wins in Mexico
Riff: All the other voters are here working.
Headline: Green Zone shelled during Biden visit
Riff: Had they shelled the Taco Zone instead, they may have hit him.
Headline: Petraeus: Afghan war at critical stage
Riff: What stage was it at before? The fun stage?
Headline: Say goodbye to obesity
Riff: Goodbye, Rosie.
Headline: Couple take cherry 'pit spit' crown
Riff: I heard the loser had a s**t fit and quit the pit spit.
Headline: More Russian Spies Than Ever in U.S.?
Riff: I think they're running the DMV.
Headline: American Geologist Gets 8 Years in Chinese Jail
Riff: In China it's illegal to see schist and take it for granite.
Headline: Companies Craft Apps for Walking Texters
Riff: It automatically makes your funeral arrangements.
Headline: Queen costs Britons less than $1 per year
Riff: She doesn't need their money because she already has it all.
7/4/10
Headline: 66,000 pounds of bison meat recalled
Riff: Come home, Rosie, come home!
Headline: Man loses arm while lighting fireworks
Riff: 1.3 million manage to keep both arms while lighting fireworks.
Headline: Police seize World Cup made of cocaine
Riff: That sounds awfully hard to cram into a nostril.
Headline: Fisherman's catch of the day bites back
Riff: This is why safe fishermen use dynamite.
Headline: Embattled RNC chairman gets support
Riff: He got a bra?
Headline: Golfer shoots under 80 with no arms
Riff: He just did that to make the rest of us feel totally inept.
Headline: Wedding priority No.1 for Clinton
Riff: Let her screw that up instead of our diplomatic relations.
Headline: Pakistan PM to Hold Terrorism Conference
Riff: That's where all the terrorists get together and watch PowerPoint presentations.
Headline: DEA Helps Seize Drug Sub
Riff: It was a turkey club with extra crack.
7/2/10
Headline: Alleged spies reveal true IDs
Riff: It's the Backstreet Boys!
Headline: Rocket fails to dock at space station
Riff: I know a good therapist.
Headline: 'Stunned' Apple to fix iPhone
Riff: If you bring in your iPhone, they'll move your hand for you.
Headline: Facebook to recognize faces
Riff: Hopefully this won't give rise to ButtBook.
Headline: Obama to immigrants: Learn English
Riff: Immigrants to Obama: Que?
Headline: Poll: Would the Founding Fathers Approve?
Riff: Of the poll? No.
Headline: Poll: Obama 15th Best President, Bush 39th
Riff: Neither has Taft's girth.
Headline: Man's Ashes to Be Sent Off in Fireworks
Riff: Weather tonight: Cloudy with a chance of Steve.
Headline: 5 suspects indicted in celebrity burglary cases
Riff: People were stealing celebrities? So that's where Rick Moranis is!
7/1/10
Headline: Largest oil skimmer arrives in Gulf
Riff: The great thing is it runs on totally renewable energy - baby seals.
Headline: Obama calls for immigration reform
Riff: He's calling the program 'No Mexican Left Behind.'
Headline: ACLU issues travel alerts for Arizona
Riff: The Endive issues Asshole alerts for ACLU.
Headline: Finland makes broadband a legal right
Riff: I think that is the most stupid thing I have ever heard in my life.
Headline: 'Do your job!,' Obama told
Riff: Actually, things get much worse when he tries to do his job.
Headline: LeBron knows who will pay the most
Riff: He's going to China?
Headline: As Economy Suffers, Obama Shifts Course
Riff: Obama: Um, let's talk about immigration now. Yeah, that's it.
Headline: 9 Spy Ring Suspects Await Bail Hearings
Riff: Bail? For a spy? WTF?!
Headline: Obama 'whining,' Boehner says
Riff: Obama: C'mooooonnnnnn. I am not, not, NOT whining!
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